Since it’s now clear that the US presidency is open to any misanthropic weirdo with a core constituency of broken, backwards fuck-ups who don’t understand how life works, I’m thinking about running myself in 2020. I’m quite confident that I could pull in the Angry White Male vote without resorting to racial division, international antagonism, or putting my name on any buildings.

(I also have thick, natural hair and completely normal-sized hands, which has to be worth, what, 3% in the polls?)

First plank of my platform? *Elder & Veteran Care.* Did you fight for your country, while restraining yourself from plundering the enemy pulchritude? Well then, good sir, I can only ask why some cute American girl isn’t sucking your fucking dick right now? Have you fallen on hard times, as the economic gamesmanship of the monied elites destroyed your hard-earned savings and deprived your children of even a modest inheritance? Well then, my friend, I’d suggest that nothing eases the sting like being balls-deep in a slobbering twenty year old.

And that’s exactly what I want to give our heroes and seniors in their journey through this world of financial and existential uncertainty: the sense of security and optimism you can only get by regularly dumping your best war- and/or artery-hardened swimmers down some corn-fed coed’s esophageal waterslide.

So how will this work?

Some might suggest I simply fence in Florida and declare it a Big Titted Game Preserve. But I’m opposed to that because it would force travel on prospective beneficiaries, and –let’s be honest here– without a constant influx of new talent, Florida’s female population would be wiped out by the inherent dangers of their culture and environment: alcohol poisoning, skin cancer, bugs the size of a baby’s fist, guys with big trucks and beer bongs, and the local alligator population’s No Second Chances Policy regarding any and all attempts to “pet the scaly puppies.”

I’m confident there’s a better way.

Which brings me to my second plank: Education & Public Service. Within the first ninety days of my administration, I will bring before Congress the Sending Sluts to School Act of 2021, which will provide unprecedented opportunities for young women to give back to their communities, broaden their horizons, and learn how to swallow absolutely anything. Through the establishment of what I like to call “The Peace Whorps”, our STEM programs will be full of enthusiastic, sexually experienced female students who have earned free rides by giving them.