I’ve been seeing an uptick in male readers of late, which is something that always gives me pause. It probably seems like I talk about “writing for women” just to emphasize my preference for pussy, but it’s more than that.
I can trust grown women to read this stuff… women whose lives have taught them to see through my sleight of hand and appreciate the show all the same. I know what I’m writing is messed up, they know they’re messed up for enjoying it, and that mutual understanding provides (dare I say it? I do!) a safe space to unpack and explore a lot of the psychosexual garbage in our heads.
But guys? Like George Costanza and the squirrels, I have no deal with them. And as I click through some of their blogs, I’m not optimistic of ever reaching one. There’s a whole lotta stupidity out there, and while I block the worst of it, I’d rather see people get their shit together.
So if by some chance you are a genuine young man who doesn’t want to be a complete douchebag that makes everyone cringe, but you’re not 100% sure of how to avoid that fate, please try to bear the following incomplete list in mind.
- Your dick is not special.
- Your dick therefore does not make you special.
- Strangers on the internet do not want to see your dick, nor watch you personify it through the inept kabuki of despair you call flirting.
- Like my role model Charles Barkley, I am not your role model. There is nothing about where I am that is worth what it took to get here. What you’re looking at is “best of a bad situation” territory; the fact that a crazy number of chicks live here with me should probably make you sad rather than excited.
- Some girls on Tumblr are comfortable with me captioning their photos, or replying salaciously, disdainfully, and paternally to their writing. You are not me. (This is a feature, not a bug.) You want to say nasty things to hot girls and be appreciated for it? Invest some time in establishing yourself as a known, predictable quantity whose appearance in someone’s inbox is a pleasant surprise and not just another cold call from an unknown erection.
There. I’ve done my good deed for the year.