I feel more broken than before he and I started. And I’m grappling at straws here to try and not end the pain. Your posts always made me feel comfort – hope you don’t mind me reach out..
Endure the pain, sweetheart. Seriously, you have no idea what’s out there for you.
Once upon a time, I was dumped by a girl who was my everything; I fell in love with her the day we met, and was obsessed with her for years. When she left, I felt like dying, and kept searching for something to make me feel better.
The ex was really into BDSM, and had sought my enthusiastic participation at a time when I was still firmly on Team We Don’t Hurt The Precious Womens; the conflict didn’t break us up, but it didn’t help. In a sad attempt at re-establishing my masculine bona fides in the wake of The Dumpening, I sat down and wrote a first-person description of what I would do to her if she ever offered me another shot at roughing her up. As fate would have it, I subsequently discovered she was dating someone new, and I was so righteously pissed off that I completely forgot about my plan to seduce her with my personalized Fifty Shades of Post-Adolescent Nonsense… it went into a drawer.
But that wasn’t the end of the story.
Because as a part of my self-medication, I bought a 2400 baud modem, hooked it up to my phone line, and started paying $12.95/hour (not counting long distance!) for the privilege of downloading 16-color porn GIFs and dirty stories from the pre-internet. After a few weeks of that, I remembered the little story I’d written, and thought, “Hey, I wonder if anyone would think that was any good?” So I uploaded it.
And waited. For a month. No one cared. I was literally one day away from cancelling my account and becoming some sort of white trash monk.
And then a bored girl I’d never met –on a boring college campus in another boring state in front of a boring beige computer– decided to send me a message when she was supposed to be studying, telling me how hot my story was, and how she couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I will kiss that bored girl while tucking her in tonight, as I have every night for decades now.
What I’m getting at here is, you don’t fucking know what’s next. You have no clue. So don’t give up without a spectacular fucking reason.