You say that as if “explaining why” should be easy, and as if those ten years weren’t the blink of an eye. Your inner world is an uncharted wilderness, and navigating it the task of a lifetime; like a photon escaping the core of the sun, dispatches from the interior take their own sweet time reaching those of us on the outside.
Seriously, look at the task before you. Look at what you’re expecting of yourself.
How do you explain to someone who loves you that love doesn’t feel real if it doesn’t come at a cost? How do you explain to someone who fucks you that sex will never be right until he can find a way to hate you just a little, every now and then? How do you explain to someone who supports you that all you really want in life is to admit how pathetic, disgusting, and stupid you are, and feel appreciated for it? How do you explain to someone who respects you that the only things you will ever truly trust are a man’s erection and the back of his hand?
Most girls spend years just trying to explain that to themselves; no one falls out of the womb with the ability to describe how her self-image and sexuality have gotten wrapped around life’s axle. Give yourself some credit for the scope of your undertaking.
And as for how I hit those buttons?
Monkey see, monkey do.
