Even the best would struggle to communicate what’s going on in your head; I’ve only known you for two or three sentences now, and I can already tell it’s a mess in there. Just be patient with yourself, and try to remember that any man who can be trusted to screw with your psyche probably deserves to hear you beg for it.
As for your question: I’m pretty sure I have no idea what “normal” looks like, but it’s certainly *common* for one’s kinks to intersect/parallel one’s trauma. Which I guess means you’re somehow both a twisted deviant, and not at all special.
Sooo… congratulations?