[Twenty-four hours after receiving a pair of cheap Bluetooth earbuds for Christmas]
me: Good morning, honey.
her: Good morning, what’s goi—?
me: Shush. Look at me. Are you looking at me?
her: Uh… yeah.
me: [gestures to ear buds in ears]
me: This is who I am now. I am Bluetooth Headphone Guy. Everywhere I go, this is what the world will see.
her: Mm-hm.
me: That’s right. This is me! Even my dumps will have a soundtrack! I am a golden fucking god!
her: Okay.
me: My name is Daddy. D-A-D-D-Y, Daddy. And don’t you forget it!
her: Can I go back to sleep now?
me: [already walked away, humming *Sex & Candy*]