Me: Stupid sandman, shooting his stuff all over girls’ eyes in their sleep!

Her: …don’t sexualize the sandman! That’s like sexualizing the toothfairy or leprechauns or the Easter bunny!!

Me: Now I’m thinking about a gang-bang where a leprechaun tries to jam a pot of gold up your hoo-hah as the Easter bunny rabbit-fucks your face, knocking out a tooth that the tooth fairy pops in his mouth so he can lick it while he masturbates.

Her: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Me: Who, me?

Her: No. I’m mad at you right now! The most disturbing part of that is the toothfairy licking my tooth!! She’s a FAIRY!!!! She’s more poised than that. She has class, for fuck’s sake.

Me: Do you have a better idea for what the tooth fairy is doing with those teeth?

Her: Of course I have a better idea than that!! Stop ruining cute things!

Me: I’m a ruiner. It’s what I do.