If you want to examine the ugliest and/or weirdest parts of human behavior, and how that behavior —and your perception of it— can be manipulated in ways both subtle and ham-fisted, the various 90 Day Fiancé shows are essential viewing.
The Good
Annie & David: Yes, David is a giant prick when he’s drunk, but he dotes on her when he’s sober… and he damned well should, ‘cause Annie is the sweetest, sunniest angel on earth. Also, I want to eat her cooking.
Anny & Robert: She’s cute as a very cranky button, and Robert should be hosting a game show in syndication. The way Anny took to Bryson was really nice, and I loved the weapons-grade eye-rolling she employed against the “porn star” grandma.
Veronica & Tim: They were never a couple on the show, granted. And I’m not sure I buy Tim being coupled with anyone… he’s an odd breed of cat. But they seem to be competent, caring parents, Veronica can be hot when she tries, and they’re both funny as hell. Bonus points for the gorgeous husky.
The Bad
Nicole & Azan: I choose not to have an opinion about Azan. This is because I don’t have much good to say about him, but I don’t feel comfortable picking him apart. I’m not sure I’d class him as a victim at this point, but given the verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and occasional physical outbursts he’s endured, I’d say he’s victim-adjacent. So… Azan. He’s a guy who’s on the show.
Meanwhile, in another internal conflict: I feel as though there’s something morally questionable about despising a stupid child like Nicole… shouldn’t I be more generous with a girl so young, whose IQ hovers somewhere around room temperature? But I can’t help it… Nicole manages to be both a pathetic mess and a mean-spirited, manipulative bully. And she somehow does it while being inexpicably smug. Making her even more infuriating than…
Mohamed & Danielle: I honestly have no idea how Danielle managed to guide four children into some semblance of adulthood. That act is the sole, slight indicator of achievement in a life that clearly skidded into the ditch long before TLC’s cameras showed up. I know Loren (of & Alexei) resents her for making a mockery of the K1 visa process, but I resent her for making sniveling, cringing, desperate woman-children look repulsive. As an ally of sniveling, cringing, desperate woman-children, I feel Danielle’s is the kind of representation we don’t need.
As for Mohamed? Heh. The man is one of nature’s most perfect narcissists, and watching him struggle in bewilderment and frustration as he navigates the shitstorm of emotions and incompetence that Danielle embodies is a unique sadistic delight. He’s an awful, infuriating human being who doesn’t give a fuck about anything not named Mohamed, and it is awesome to watch him flail about in the infinite tar pit that is Danielle’s needy determination.
Karine & Paul: Back in the 1970s —the hazy mists of history, I know— there was a famed sports broadcaster named Howard Cosell. Howard was a bright guy who brought a lot of gravitas to color commentary, but between the enormity of his ego and his distinctive delivery/tone of voice… well, a lot of people loved to hate Mr. Cosell. So many, that there was briefly a market for foam bricks designed to be thrown at one’s television in a blind rage. (We didn’t have remotes or mute buttons back then, kids.) If he bugged you, you dreaded every game or fight he called.
Anyhoo… Paul is my Howard Cosell. I vibrate in fury at everything he does. I liken it to my dog’s reaction to a nervous animal at the dog park… he wants to pin the twitchy little fuck to the ground and make him settle his ass down. Full disclosure: when Paul took off running into the Brazilian jungle, I was rooting for the jungle.
I have no idea what I think of Karine. As with many of the non-English speakers on the 90 Day shows, it can be difficult to tell where her struggle to communicate complex emotions ends and her character flaws begin. (Mursal is the world champion/prime offender in this realm.) I want to believe she’s sweet and simply caught up in something that grew beyond her control the minute her twerp of a husband showed up in town with his seven suitcases and anti-amoeba condoms… but it just. Keeps. Going.
The Weird
Juliana & Michael & Sarah: Okay, so… there’s something odd going on with Michael, but it’s impressive watching the girls make it work despite him. Juliana is (a) hot as fuck, and (b) a beautiful human being. And Sarah has raised two precocious kids who are actually charming. The family on Big Love could have learned a thing or two from this crew.
Jorge & Anfisa: This is what happens when a very young, emotionally wobbly girl turns out to be a fucking prodigy as a sadistic findom. Anfisa has Jorge so thoroughly under her thumb that I can’t help but be impressed… until she periodically collapses into a screechy, ridiculous child and breaks her own spell of invulnerability. So much talent, so little maturity. And no discernible conscience.
Jorge, meanwhile… I’d be more sympathetic if he’d just say, “Look, everyone, I’m a masochist. I get off on this tiny bitch running my life. I want her to make me jump through hoops. I just need her to space out the hoops and make them big enough for me to fit through.” As it is, he’s simply another dumbass denying what he is and wrecking his own life in the process.
Kalani & Asuelu: Kalani grated on me at first. Her first season was drenched in snotty Ugly Americanism —made all the uglier since almost everyone involved is Samoan— and I found that remedial anger management class she calls a family hard to take. More importantly, I will never understand the decision she made to first allow a wide-eyed, slow-witted, barefooted dumbass to impregnate her, and then to try to squeeze him into the shape of a conventional father.
But once I accepted that insane choice as a sunk cost, I was able to focus on what she’s dealing with now, and… sheesh. Asuelu seems like a good-hearted boy, by which I mean that it seems like there’s a well-meaning six year old with a couple joysticks living in his chest and piloting him around like a Samoan Gundam. I’m not sure he belongs in America, and honestly, I’m not even sure he belongs in any part of Samoa that isn’t well-padded and monitored by a capable adult. If he hasn’t inadvertently hospitalized one of his kids before they’re 10, I’ll be shocked.