…(because they like feeling used) and me being disappointed in someone and not feeling well, because they didn’t provide aftercare is my fault alone.
While I can see that it’s partially my fault, because we didn’t talk about aftercare beforehand (it was my very first bdsm encounter and I didn’t have a clue. I know, not good), I was just really surprised to hear that a lot of people don’t want aftercare. For me aftercare is incredibly important and I thought it was important to others, too.
Excuse my rambling, I’m confused. What do you think?
There’s much to unpack here.
- “A lot of girls don’t want aftercare” is gaslighty bullshit. It would be far more accurate to say “some very experienced girls who are well aware of their emotional capabilities and confident in their owners’ fundamental humanity don’t want in-depth aftercare all the time.”
- “Aftercare” doesn’t necessarily mean backrubs and bedtime stories… it can be as little as a slap on the ass and “Good game, champ.” Aftercare isn’t a series of tasks, it’s a normalizing of relations… as I said in a post long ago, it’s a decompression chamber for two psyches emerging from their depths. Anyone who acts like it’s tedious, superfluous labor to be avoided has an agenda, and it ain’t your well-being.
- What kind of bipedal shitbag tells a first-timer that she’s at fault for anything? Even if you’d assured him in advance that you didn’t want aftercare, he should have offered it anyway… newbies are stupid and don’t know what they need. He damned sure shouldn’t have assumed you were part of his self-servingly fabricated “lot” of girls.
- I don’t want to deny you your agency in the making of mistakes… it was a dumb idea to take things for granted with this guy. You should have crossed your “t”s and dotted your “i”s before diving in the first time. So there: you’re to blame for being dumb. But you are not to blame for what he did or didn’t do. You are not wrong to be disappointed. You’re not the problem here.
- You’re rambling and confused because someone’s trying to make you question the obvious. When a man mindfucks you, it should feel right. It should feel like something true has been inside you all along, right beneath the surface, and he’s exposed it. If it feels wrong, and foreign, and kind of stupid, then he either doesn’t know you, or he’s lying to you. (In this case, it’s almost certainly both.)
Take care of yourself, and keep your eyes open.