I’ve had the oportunity, I just… didn’t feel like it? Never been kissed, never been touched, but here I am fantasizing about a mean old man wanting to do all of that to me…
Well, before the last clause, I was prepared to say “of course it isn’t pathetic.” It’s odd, without question, but you’ve got your reasons, and you’re not hurting anyone. Give yourself a break.
Then you made it clear that, yeah, it is kinda pathetic. It’s not that you “didn’t feel like it” —you’re bullshitting yourself with that one— it’s more like you were afraid of it.
That’s why you want a mean old man to do things to you… you’re tired of living in fear, but you’ve also grown comfortable with the dread and don’t want to let it go. If you can find someone to take what you’re unwilling to give, all of your problems are solved.
Or not.
I guess you can try it and find out!