Dear Anon:
Pursuant to your wholly unauthorized and counter-productive self-indulgence of August 27, 2014 —commonly known as “an orgasm” but hereinafter referred to as “your abiding shame”— you are hereby reminded that the pursuit of such greedy behavior is at best frowned upon, and automatically incurs a debt.
Said debt has, unfortunately, grown considerably as late fees and interest charges have mounted. (I apologize for using the word “mounted”, since it might arouse you, and it’s clear you have almost no meaningful control over your dirty girl-urges.) Please be informed that while this is not yet an attempt to collect that debt, such procedures may be initiated at any time, and then shit will get serious.
I’m sure that your abiding shame was a one-time offense, and you have never subsequently befouled yourself or misused me with further unapproved masturbatory shenanigans. But please be aware that if you have, the consequences may be dire, lingering, and semen-encrusted.
Thank you for your time.