…that has aspects of BDSM. we have agreed around our limits and boundaries and ive never really had any issues. until two days ago when out of no where and with no warning he slapped me across the face and called me a bad girl because I dropped the broccoli he was cooking with dinner. He calls me that in the bedroom and we do have punishments of spanking and slapping there. But I didn’t know what to say. Hes never brought BDSM out of the bedroom, and I don’t want to tell him because he’ll be crushed that I think he hurt me. What do I do here?
(submitted by: @Anonymous)
- Okay, let’s start with the simplest thing: you don’t think he hurt you. He hurt you. It’s not your job to protect him from himself, and this is something he did.
- It’s been two days. Two days since he breached the boundaries. Two days in which he hasn’t debriefed you, explained himself, or even acknowledged his actions. By now, you should know a lot more about what happened than you do. Honestly, this is a bigger failure than the rule-breaking itself.
- You had a relationship with “aspects of BDSM”. He unilaterally rewrote the rules, surprised you with them, delivered them in seeming anger —was he actually mad about the broccoli, or was that the excuse he picked?— and used violence to emphasize the new order. You didn’t have some sort of experienced, sophisticated, meta-consensual arrangement… you were sweetly kinky people doing a bit of “naughty girl” slap-n-tickle in the bedroom. Until he unexpectedly escalated. Just so you know you’re not crazy: that’s not how agreements like yours are supposed to work.
- I figure you’ve got two options. If sparing his pwecious widdle sewf-image is your primary concern, then don’t tell him. But you can’t let it drop and stay with him. You just can’t. You’ve got to go, immediately.
- Alternately, you can tell him to pull up his Big Girl Panties, hold him to account, and give him a chance to grow from it. People can do that, if you give them the chance to be responsible.
And most of all, take care of yourself.
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