hello um I don’t exactly know who to ask but you seem to be into the same things as me and my lover and are very sensible on the topic, so he’s lately been suggesting things that have begun to scare me, I don’t know how to explain to him that it’s too far and I’m worried he might be mad at me, any advice on how to go about this?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Exactly how scared are you? What are the consequences of “mad”? This may be a kink thing, but it may be something else entirely. If you don’t feel safe talking to him about your relationship, then you need to seek outside assistance.
However, let’s assume for the moment that he’s just being an asshole.
Nothing you’re saying indicates that your relationship is designed for pushing boundaries, but neither do you indicate he’s actually doing anything… he’s suggesting. This means one of two things:
- He has plans to do that stuff, and will interpret any silence as assent. If you don’t speak up, he’s going to pursue all the goals he’s never told you about. And they are many.
- He has no plans to do that stuff, and is just floating trial balloons past you to see how you react. He’s going to be entertained and enlightened, whether your reaction is “AH!”, “AW!”, or “EW!”
If it’s the first scenario, you need to summon your courage and hit the brakes. If he’s that kind of guy, yeah, he’s probably going to be mad… he’s trying to get away with something, and no one is happy getting caught. But you can’t afford to be soft about it… either your confrontation will shock him back to reality, or you’ll find you’re with the wrong person.
If it’s the second scenario, you should go the opposite direction… if he’s earned it, assume the best in him. Address it intimately and openly… in this case, he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t care about the idea as much as what it does to you. If it scares you, tell him. If it scares you too much to ever do but it makes you wet anyway, tell him. If it grosses you out, let him know. You’re his assistant sorting through and sometimes discarding ideas, not his prosecutor, demanding censure.
How do you know which he is?
Here’s a hint: would he be angry or concerned that you were scared enough to ask me about it?