My fiancé just told me he’s poly.. I am not. And he knows this. He says that he can repress these feelings because he doesn’t want to lose me. He’d rather have me than have multiple partners. Most would say that’s flattering, but to me I hate I can’t fulfill this part of my doms life. And when I tell him I’ll try and learn about poly he says knowing I deep down don’t want to try it would make him uncomfortable with other partners. Any advice on how not to feel guilty that I’m ruining his life?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
I have three primary thoughts here.
- He’s making a mistake. He needs to understand that his attempt at interpersonal martyrdom is going to backfire. Sacrificing a part of himself for a submissive girl just leaves everyone miserable… even if it technically gets you what you want, it’ll still break your heart. You don’t want him to back down from what he wants… you want him to explain how you can fit. You want him to believe in you. You want him to lead, even when it takes you somewhere scary.
- “I’ll try and learn about poly” suggests both that you have a kind and loving nature, and that you’re stalling the inevitable. “I’ll try to learn about it” is what you say when you find out your boyfriend is an independent UFO researcher, or is a weekend LARPer, or a classic car guy. It’s waiting for a deus ex machina to drop from the ceiling and solve your problem. I’m afraid you’re going to have to commit, one way or the other.
- Let’s be very clear: you are not ruining his life, no matter what happens. You offered an alternative that prioritized his agenda, and because he has yet to kill his inner White Knight —I sympathize, I’ve murdered my own many times now— he’s instead trying to rescue you with a selfless, stupid sacrifice. Honestly, he may have to lose you right now to learn how stupid he’s being. You cannot shield him from this. His brain has to make the leap, to grasp that it’s okay to let you at least try to make a sacrifice for him. And until it does, that’s 100% on him.