What is your opinion on people in D/s or kinky relationships that don’t use a safeword?
If they know what they’re doing, and know the questions they should be asking… then I don’t think anything. Well-informed adults can do well-informed adult things.
I admit that I was judgy about it when I was younger, and my elders were telling me they didn’t need a “purple crocodile” to short-circuit the dynamic… that when everyone opts-in, it turns what is normally a toxic arrangement into a self-healing system. It took years of convincing and lived examples before I came to understand their point of view… today, I recognize that exceptionally emotionally articulate people can find a “you may remove your restraints and roam about the cabin” groove and happily occupy it for extended periods… until something happens. Which is when you discover the true nature of the relationship… on that one night out of 3,000 when that safeword would have been handy. How two people deal with that tells the tale.
Personally, I opt for the simplest thing that does the job: I tell them my name, and then I forbid them to use it in conversation. So if I ever hear them use it, I know that they are 100% serious about the necessity of my undivided attention. On top of it being a “pay attention” that brings with it no extra cognitive load, It means that she’s addressing me reverently even in a potential moment of conflict, thus making her feel less guilty for doing so.
P.S. Don’t buy into all the simple-minded, dogmatic bullshit propagated around this subject. I encourage people to use safewords, because they’re handy, efficient tools, and I’ve done some pretty extreme shit without even once feeling constrained by their use.
But it’s okay to talk about edge cases. It’s vital, really, because eventually, everyone becomes some sort of edge case. In fact, let me give you a little taste of nuance.
- Safewords protect you from well-meaning mistakes, not abuse; your abuser will not care how many times you say “red light”.
- Safewords are notifications, not kill switches. People often chafe at and eschew safewords precisely because so many well-meaning dumbfucks push the idea that “this is how the sub takes back her power.” In reality, a safeword is simply how the sub says “Hey, pay attention!” Maybe the next sentence is “I’m done with this, let me up,” and maybe it’s “my knee is going to snap if you don’t adjust that rope.” Stop overloading the goddamned mechanism while trying to turn it into some weird test of faith.
- If “I don’t have a safeword” scares you, wait until you hear how “divorce is not an option in our marriage” from vanilla people who aren’t even aware they have a power dynamic.
- The lack of a safeword doesn’t mean a relationship lacks a means of exiting the dynamic. There’s no safeword to stop a rollercoaster mid-ride or a tandem skydive mid-jump, but on a regular basis, the participants are given an opportunity to step away.
- If someone says “I don’t have a safeword,” the adult response is “Really? So how do you navigate moment-to-moment exigencies and long-term shifts in the dynamic?” Not “Heretic! Burn the unbeliever!”
- Unless you’re just trying to be a gatekeeping douchebag. In which case, by all means… shake that pitchfork, burn the apostate, blah blah blah. Enjoy your inquisition, you tedious fucks.