Soo. I’m having a hard time being rougher with my SO. She likes being slapped and such. Ive only ever purposely hit a female once and it was well deserved. I can kinda playfully like tap her with my palm. But idk I’m having a hard time actually harming her? I think it’s hot and I fantasize about being way rougher than what’s coming out. I have a hard time even calling her names cuz it’s disrespectful in my mind. I try to do it but I basically jus freeze up and can’t. Like I kno she likes that stuff, and she wants it, but I’m having a hard time actually doing the things I’ve perceived as disrespectful.
Do you have any advise?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
There’s something important that a lot of people don’t realize, because most of the discourse about trust in kink is concerned with the needs of a submissive person.
And that something is this: if you want a decent man to fuck you up, you have got to earn his trust. It isn’t enough that you want it. He needs to know that you are on his side in this. He needs to know that when he crosses the line for you —when he allows himself to access the worst things inside him for your entertainment— you won’t leave him alone on the other side, feeling like a monster.
Now, as for you, my overly-respectful friend… I get it. Been there, lived that. I wasted a lot of years worrying about my righteousness, but not one single person benefited from it. Especially not the people I was so eager to protect, the people who never asked for and ultimately resented my protection. Took me a long time to realize that “saving” someone from yourself is an insult when they happen to love you.
Eventually I understood they wanted me. All of me. Even the horrible parts. Sometimes, especially the horrible parts.
So obviously, don’t do anything you’re not ready to do, ‘cause that’s worse than doing nothing at all. You don’t want to fuck up and feel horrible about it. But if she makes it safe to do so, give yourself permission to get naked. Show her the stuff you hide, even from yourself.
She wants to see the truth more than any bruise.