hi um ive started dating a couple of months ago but my bf doesnt know about any of my kinks and im kinda scared to tell him because i think hes pretty vanilla tbh um do you have any advice on what i could do ..?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
My real advice is to be pickier from the outset. But we are where we are, so…
- Figure out if your kinks actually matter. I wouldn’t get even slightly emotionally involved with someone who didn’t have a very good idea of my kinks, because they are fundamental to any relationship with me… by choosing to get involved with a vanilla guy and keep your desires to yourself, you seem to be signaling that you want a relationship first and kink second. So is the satisfaction worth risking the relationship?
- Assuming it is… I’d emphasize that you’re not trying to change him, or push him. Tell him you’d like to include him, if not in the kink itself, then within the circle of trust that surrounds it. (A girl needs to be seen more than she needs to get off.) Remind him that he’s important to you with or without the kink, as you hope you are to him. Then take a deep breath and tell him what he needs to know.
- Do not, under any circumstances, send him to this blog for an education. I know, I have things to say that you desperately wish he could understand, but he’s not ready. Best case scenario, he’s repulsed by the obvious extent of your interests. Worst case scenario, your vanilla boyfriend takes one look at this shit, gets all the wrong ideas, overcompensates, and tries to turn Overnight MegaDom on you. Either way, you’re fucked.
- If he seems amenable, focus on fantasy at first. Introduce your kink as a topic of intimate conversation that might lead to sex, but won’t necessarily lead to kink. Show him that you’re trying to add seasoning to a dish you already love, not cook up something new.
- Know in advance what you’re going to do if he’s not into it. Don’t walk in with lofty expectations that he can crush by simply being himself… respect him enough to bear in mind that he doesn’t owe you the reception you want.
Good luck, kiddo.