How would one go about getting into a kinky bdsm relationship when asexual, possibly aro? I am very unlucky in that area. Whenever I gave it a try, guys just tried to convince me I’m not ace so I just gave up. I’m in my late 20s and I can’t even kiss well because all the guys I’ve encountered were crap. I guess I sacrificed gaining any experience rather than giving in to them. But now I feel like I’m just off-putting to anyone – a woman who is almost thirty and can’t even kiss – who would want this. Not to mention my anxiety. I guess I just need some reassurance…
Well, I’ve got to tell you that I’m probably the wrong person to ask. I wouldn’t know what to do with someone who was both asexual and aromantic… sex and romance are inherent to just about every layer of my world-view, and would render a deeply ace-and-aro person something of a frictionless surface to me. There’s just not much there for me to grab on to.
Fortunately, our world is full of not-me. There’s no doubt in my mind that you can find someone who suits you, but you’ll need to learn first what that really means, and how to convey it to everyone else.
One thing that jumps out at me is that it feels like you haven’t been nearly picky enough with your experiments, which has led to a cessation of experimentation. Even if you’re pursuing very sexual, mean men, their reaction to “I’m asexual” should be less “no you’re not” and more “no one cares, just bend over”… your reality can be both acknowledged and irrelevant with the right person.
When you’re looking at men, ask yourself what incentivizes them. Is what you are —how you interpret yourself— more important than what you do for him? If so, then you’d better have a pretty flexible sense of self.
As for “who would want this”… cut that shit out. Both because it’s self-defeating, and because it will lead you to make a stupid decision —or give up entirely, the stupidest decision of all— out of sheer despair. It might be tough to find the right fit, but that doesn’t mean such a fit doesn’t exist.
Someone out there will think it’s magical that you’re pushing 30 and still need to practice kissing… he’ll see it as an opportunity to guide you and grow you. He’ll stand firm and explain things when you’re lost and feel like running away. He’ll make an effort to show you what he loves about experiences that are foreign to you, and he might even be able to wire them up to things you *do* understand so you can share them, like putting a deaf girl’s hand on the speaker while he listens to music.
You’ve just gotta give the right people the right chances.