I really don’t know who to ask, I wish I had any friends to talk to about this. I am very devoted to my man, and I am very attracted to him. I love to serve him and much of our sexual relationship has been me serving him by choice. When we have sex I refer to him as my owner, I’m his fuck doll etc etc. but lately I’ve been having a big problem. I’m the one who started with any of the kink stuff, he would be fine not doing any of it and I don’t think it’s really his “thing” cuz he wouldn’t think of or do any of this stuff if I didn’t bring it up.
Im having a hard time feeling wanted at all. Especially putting myself in this position where I want to please him always, it feels like he never wants me like that and it hurts. I’m always the one initiating, asking him if he wants oral or sex and usually he just agrees. He never compliments me, says I look sexy, or tells me he wants me at all. He never initiates except sometimes when he’s hard in the morning he’ll show me and then I’ll take care of it. It’s hard for me because I want to feel like I’m sexy and wanted but I just don’t. I’ve brought it up to him and he swears he’s attracted to me and that he does compliment me.
How do I feel sexy and wanted? Should I just trust his word? I’m truly lost.
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Kiddo, he can be completely honest, you can be completely trusting, and he can still leave you feeling unwanted. Because even well-intentioned, caring people can hurt one another.
With that said, your description makes me wonder things like “is he actually kinky?” and “has she ever truly asked?” You’re looking to feel sexy and wanted —reasonably enough!— but you can’t get that from someone you don’t understand.
Let’s start from the beginning: some men like to relax at the dinner table and have their meals presented to them. Some men like to pitch in by arranging the place settings. Hell, some men like to do a bit of the cooking themselves! And unfortunately, some men would like to sit at the table, but can’t be comfortable because they don’t believe they deserve the seat.
(Of course, there are also men with food allergies, men on hunger strikes, men who fall asleep on the couch twenty minutes before dinner, and clumsy men who break plates. But I’m focusing on the preceding four right now.)
All the devotion in the world can’t turn the second or third type into the first. They are who they are, and trying to change them not only risks souring the relationship… it risks turning someone you love into an antagonist in your life story.
There’s some hope for the fourth… they can evolve. It’s possible for the right sort of girl to show the right sort of man that he’s more than he thought. But only if he’s at a place in his life where he’s ready to truly hear what she has to say and believe her. She can’t just tell him he’s special… she has to convince him, and he needs to be open to convincing.
For the sake of both optimism and your mood, let’s assume that your guy is this fourth type. What does that mean?
- If he isn’t ready for it, it won’t happen. For so many reasons —emotional, practical, sexual— it has to be something he embraces for himself. Not for you. Not for the relationship. He has to be able to live with himself while loving and using you at the same time.
- If you’re more experienced or unreservedly enthusiastic about kink, your attempts to initiate sex could easily feel more like pressure than a release. You need to talk to him outside the confines of a romantic evening, and explain to him that while you feel “right” when you put his desires before your own, nothing would make you feel more “right” than seeing him put himself first. Show him that “I want” are the two sexiest words he can ever say.
- You should think more deeply about service. I know you’ve got lots of fantasies, and ideas derived from other folks’ fantasies, but none of that matters. None of that is Service unless it makes his load lighter, his balls emptier, or his life better. You’re doing it for him. His needs are particular, and your service should be as well.
With that said, he needs to understand that you don’t want to be complimented… you want to be seen. Which means he should be looking far deeper than “you’re pretty” to the needy, pathetic little servant you long to give him. You’re not gonna feel wanted and sexy until he makes you feel purposeful and used.