I want to lose weight. I’m not big, but a little chubby and soft. My Daddy has agreed to help by instructing me to do work outs and will occasionally ask about what I’ve eaten throughout the day to help me the reasonable calorie deficit I am maintaining until I reach my goal. But I occasionally lose motivation and I think it would help if he wasn’t so nice about it. I sort of just wish he would just call me fat and point out more attractive, skinny women and tell me that’s what I should look like. I wish he’d take away food sometimes or be more controlling and I told him this, kind of. He looked at me like I was insane and said he couldn’t. Is it that unusual for a woman to want a man to control that aspect of her life? He thinks what I’m asking for is abuse and now he wants to back off helping me lose weight all together because it has taken me to “an unhealthy place”. Do you control the diets of any of your girls? Would you do this for them if they asked for your help in this way?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Let’s start with the middle question and work our way from there.
RE: “Is it that unusual for a woman to want…”
No, it isn’t. I mean, okay, in the broadest sense, of course it’s unusual… it’s downright weird. But among the kind of women who frequent this neighborhood, it’s pretty common.
Commonality itself doesn’t mean much, of course… but you’re not a freakish outlier.
RE: “…and said he couldn’t.”
There are two things to take away from this statement.
First, that his feelings should be respected. When you ask for something like that, you’re not just exposing your own psychic underbelly… you’re making an implicit assertion about the kind of man you believe him to be. If he associates body-shaming or food control with abuse, then asking for those behaviors means you think he’s capable of being abusive. Worse, you think he could get hard over it. When heard with anything less than an extremely patient ear, the request itself can feel like an insult. I know it was hard to ask —and even harder to be rejected— but he has an inner life, too.
So when the subject next arises, make it abundantly clear that you asked him because you trust his intentions for your mind and body, not because he’s an untrustworthy man.
Second, while he’s entitled to his initial reaction, you should expect more thoughtfulness and fewer incredulous looks in future conversations. Once you’ve helped him get over the perceived slight, he needs to see how vulnerable you had to be address the subject, and how meaningful that vulnerability was to you. It won’t help either of you if he slides into defensiveness.
RE: “…taken me to an unhealthy place.”
Here’s the question to ask yourself: is he right? Are these new, uncharacteristic ideas for you, or old neuroses on a new leash? Has his minor intervention been a gateway to something bigger, or was something bigger what you wanted all along?
He seems like a decent guy, so he feels responsible here. And if he’s driven you to something he considers bad, he’s going to feel shitty about himself, and become eager to reverse course. Again, correct what you’re saying about him before defending what you’re saying about yourself.
RE: “…I told him this, kind of.”
That’s a big, fat “kind of” you’ve got there. And given the result, I can understand why he only received the “kind of” treatment. Your reticence was prophetic.
But here’s the thing… if you knew he wasn’t ready to take all of you, why’d you feel compelled to water down your truth rather than build up his empathy? Helping your man to better understand you doesn’t make you less of a submissive, it makes him a greater dominant. Always opt to elevate him before tearing yourself down… leave the emotional wrecking balls to him.
Explain yourself, and allow yourself to be understood.
But I’m also gonna tell you right now, unless you are a remarkably self-aware and extraordinarily articulate person, all attempts to smooth away the jagged edges of your desires will probably create as much confusion for him as safety for you. You’ll almost certainly express things you didn’t intend to express —see above— and leave him not with a curated understanding, but an incorrect one. Honestly, if you’re not very comfortable with half-truths, I’d say you should stick to spilling it all or keeping it to yourself.
(With that said, there’s only so long you can keep it to yourself. If it never feels safe to say, then it’s time to ask yourself other questions.)
RE: “the reasonable calorie deficit I’m maintaining”
Let’s put the verbal degradation component aside for a moment; is there anything on your wish-list that will be unreasonable? Are you asking him to push your limits ever-lower, or simply provide you with accountability for reasonable limits you struggle to meet? Are you looking to end up being bullied into two obsessive hours a day at the gym, or do you just want someone to say, “no, you’re not skipping two sessions in a row”?
In short, are you trying take what you have and make it worse… or make it better?
As for the body-shaming… I’ve pointed out before that you’re asking a lot there. If your guy’s a non-shitbag, then he long ago internalized that demonstrating sharp contempt for a partner’s appearance is a Very Bad Thing. You are essentially asking him to come inside your self-loathing and dig out a little hollow space for himself… taking that step will mean an enormous leap of faith on his part.
(And if it doesn’t, you’re with the wrong guy.)
RE: “…control the diets…”
I don’t micro-manage anyone’s day-to-day, but I have general dominion over all matters of body and soul… if I want them to eat, exercise, dress, move, piss, fuck, cum, or think differently, they do. And I help them come up with aspirational targets and rational expectations. Probably not the level of intervention you’re seeking, but more or less… yeah.
RE: “…would you…?”
I’ll do anything I think needs doing. They belong to me, so less than “whatever I want” is actually kind of irresponsible.