Thank you for allowing me to provide more context on this (and for calling me a good girl). I am hopeful for your perspective, as it’s always been sound in my eyes.
Fundamentally, I (23) operate as a monogamous woman. I haven’t ever been drawn to polyamory. My ex (Master 52) had always been intrigued by it, but in our dynamic we remained monogamous.
This helps me understand that my ex and I were fundamentally wrong for each other from the beginning. It is important to note, I broke no contact with him after finding out this news. I asked a million questions, being the emotional masochist I am – and it helped a bit. Yet, I am still very much struggling to grasp the concept at hand.
Knowing what he chose to share, it doesn’t alleviate the regret and conflicting feelings I harbor for the lengths that I went to, to further capture his attention. To prove my devotion. I invested so much of myself into the dynamic, I believe any good girl would. I did many things in that dynamic that I don’t foresee myself doing again: having my head shaved, having a signature tattooed on me, and other very tangible things that prove ownership. It feels like all of those things meant nothing, when for me they feel very formative, life altering acts. These aren’t things that can be undone, but I long for them to be. I am of the belief that good M/s can rarely be undone, but I am now on the other side of a dynamic and I can’t seem to let go of it.
I see my ex (Master) now juggling 3 women, when I alone was too much to utilize and navigate. These are his words, though they’re incredibly hard to wrap my head around. I feel like these women are getting everything that I worked so hard for, and ultimately never got. His attention, his enthusiasm, his desire to explore.
Ultimately, it’s all very conflicting. I am thankful to know, but the weight of knowing is suffocating. I can’t stop looking at photos of them, in the bed where I once laid, on the floor where I worshiped him, the bathtub where he drowned me.
It’s unhealthy, I recognize this. I am just at odds with myself. I never in a million years expected him to move on in this way, and I know I must accept it. I know going no contact again might be the answer.
How do I not lose myself during this tumultuous time? How do I have grace with him and his new explorations? How do I not internalize this as a reflection of myself, and the service I provided? Do you have any thoughts, or words of wisdom to a girl who is lost, and really even wondering if this lifestyle is sustainable?
(submitted by: Anonymous)
There’s a lot going on here, and I probably won’t do it all justice. But here’s what I’ve got:
First, that age gap is pretty huge, so I’m gonna be a bit more judgy about his behavior in all of this. He’s allowed to have flaws and make mistakes, but it doesn’t sound like he did enough to minimize the impact of his flaws and mistakes on someone whose own youthful dumbassery made her extra vulnerable. And that experiential asymmetry is exacerbated by the nebulous nature of the breakup.
You’ve asked him a million questions, but I’m guessing not the ones you actually wanted answered. As a result, he tossed you some bones and left you to divine the truth from them… you’re twenty-three, so interpersonal augury isn’t going to be your strong suit. He’s gonna need to give you more than that.
Which might be tough, because it feels like you’re both hoping the other will come to his/her senses and stop all this foolishness… something that simply can’t happen, because you don’t share a definition of “sense”. He wants you to embrace life as one piece of a larger puzzle, and you want to be the lone X on his treasure map.
What makes it extra confusing is that you’re both basing your unspoken, futile hopes on the same thing:
- You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely that must outweigh everything else!
- You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely polyamory is just one more step on that devotional journey?
From what I can see, there’s no fix to be found here without someone having an unexpected and dramatic change of heart. I don’t know if “no contact” is the answer, but what you’re doing isn’t working.
RE: all those things meant nothing
Regret is a hot-button of mine… it’s the only thing I never want a girl to feel. If you regret being with me —and doing what “being with me” requires— then I have fucked-up on a fundamental level. I didn’t warn you enough, prepare you enough, test you enough… I didn’t ensure you understood the life that awaited you. The thought of such a failure sickens me.
So let me be very clear about something, for you and everyone else.
Never, ever do life-changing shit for a man just to garner his attention, enthusiasm, or desire. Devotion isn’t transactional… it isn’t the extra-credit work of a dutiful student, looking for a “++” to go with an “A”. It isn’t a bet you place, hoping to hit a jackpot. It isn’t a finish line you’re trying to cross.
You only give your all to him because he’s worthy. Because he deserves no less. Your sacrifice is a celebration of what is, not an invocation of what should be. You surrender your flesh and soul not for what he might do, but for what he has already done.
If it feels like an investment, you’re doing it wrong.
RE: undone
It sounds like you did some significant things for him while he was harboring a multitude of doubts. To be honest, that’s actually pretty shitty of him… there’s no good way to sugarcoat it.
The polyamory thing, sure, that could sneak up on him… he knew it was important, just not how important. But I suspect he knew there was a larger problem long before he left. Whatever may have impelled him to keep trying —responsibility, guilt, stubbornness— doesn’t change the fact that he knew something wasn’t working. He should have been taking his foot off the gas and asking some hard questions, not flooring it and hoping for the best. The Thelma & Louise approach seldom saves a relationship.
RE: juggling 3 women
A sip of harsh medication might be efficacious here.
You won’t like reading this, but three women who can fluently speak his language will be easier to handle than one who can’t. It doesn’t matter how much time you spend on elaborate gesticulation and compelling pictograms… if the words can’t flow freely, you’ll be harder to utilize and navigate.
That doesn’t mean you’re “too much”… he should probably rethink his phrasing. But there was almost certainly something wrong with your dynamic that was far bigger than “monogamy vs. polyamory”, and the fact that he hasn’t been able to clearly explain this is a further symptom of the problem. Y’all have been talking, but you haven’t been communicating.
Again, I have to put most of it on him. You weren’t his equal partner in this —by design— and can’t be expected to understand these pitfalls before they’ve consumed you. There’s nothing wrong with you needing help to climb back out.
But as long as you’re down there, I’d say it’s time to take a hard look at how you got here, and realize that whether he wanted one woman or ten, it wasn’t working for you.
RE: How do I not internalize this…?
By reminding yourself that there was nothing inherently wrong with your service… you simply can’t do the right thing for the wrong man.