Last week i hooked up with a guy. We were having sex in his car. I told him i wouldnt have sex with him without a condom because i dont know him like that. We had mediocre sex for a couple minutes when i realized …something didnt feel right. I looked and realized he didnt have a condom on even though id WATCHED him put it on. He claimed it was inside me but everything about the situation felt wrong. I put on my underwear and left,,,honestly i felt gross and used and…i know technically if someone else told me about this happening to them i would never certain to make sure they knew they were raped. I dont feel like thats what happened. Idk im feeling confused and used and still pretty gross. Idk what to do about it and idk what i want you to say about it but….i wanted to tell you?

It’s your story, kid; I’m not gonna force a narrative on you. If you don’t want to call it rape, we won’t call it rape.

So instead of jumping to legalistic conclusions, let’s simply talk about what happened.

1. He pushed to have condom-free sex with someone he didn’t really know. (That means he prioritizes his arousal over anyone’s well-being, including his own.)
2. He lied when he said the condom was inside you. (If it had been, you’d have retrieved it and mentioned it… your vagina isn’t a latex compost bin where lost condoms turn into mulch.)
3. He stealthed you, intentionally removing the condom so that he could take non-consensual risks within the context of a consensual sex act. (This means his fantasies matter more than your realities.)
4. He thinks you’re stupid enough to fall for any of this. (His contempt for you extends beyond his view of your body as his to violate.)
5. He almost certainly has something; that wasn’t his first time, and it’s entirely possible that spreading his disease —either a literal STI, or figuratively in the form of a bastard child— is the whole point. (Get yourself tested, immediately.)
6. He seems to have lucked out and pulled this shit with the right kind of girl; it’s safe to assume —because you’re asking me— that you have a rather nuanced and possibly conflicted view of sexual manipulation and assault, and are thus struggling to figure out if you somehow deserved or invited this treatment. That’s of course super-handy for him. He doesn’t have to feel shame, analyze his actions, or bear the consequences of either because you’re here to do all of that for him. Which would be fine if any of this had been based on a profound emotional bond, a shared understanding, or for fuck’s sake, just a fleeting glimpse of intimacy. But it wasn’t. (I need you to remember that what we are ain’t what he is… the fucked-up sex we enjoy can be brutal and scary and overwhelming, but we’re always on the same team. You were never on his team, honey. Never.)

As for what you might want me to say… I can only guess. Probably something that affirms your experience and recognizes the complexity of your reactions without making you feel like a cretinous whore or a helpless victim. I figure you also wanted to be given a new perspective on the experience that clarifies and embellishes your own feelings rather than trying to convince you that you’re having the wrong ones.

With that said, I know what you need me to say.

Take care of yourself. First and foremost. If that means making less of this event than you could, so be it. Again, you’re the author of this chapter of You: The Untold Story.

But seriously, kiddo… don’t carry this dude’s shit. He did it. All of it. He made a series of decisions that invalidated your decisions. You don’t have to call that “rape”, but that doesn’t make it okay. You can reject the trauma in an experience while still accepting its reality.

Oh, and I’m glad you spoke up. I hope it felt good to get it out.