…due to my past experiences of shouting leading to a beating. We have had this discussion previously as he has shouted at me twice previously. So last night he shouted at me (for the third time in our 2 year relationship), when I laughingly said no to turning on the lamp. I got angry that he’d shouted at me AGAIN (cos he knows what it does to me & I felt like it was deliberate at this point), whilst at the same time becoming terrified & I told him to F off away from me & that him shouting at me again is an asshole move, he didn’t even apologise, i could have understood that, we all lose it verbally sometimes. I called a ‘time out’ to our dynamic & relationship as I felt unable to trust him & very unstable & he didn’t come to bed last night. Today has been very tense & egg shelly. I know we need to talk soonest, but how can I approach this without coming across as accusatory or demeaning? I know what I want to say to him, just not how to word it or approach it/bring it up. I still think he pulled an asshole move, I just don’t want to say that because it won’t solve anything & I want to try to get him to understand that what he did was not ok & made me feel unsafe in my home, which for me is a massive no no, whilst understanding what lead to this sudden outburst. Any tips? Sorry I know it’s a long one just wanted to give as much info as poss 🙂
I’m getting to this late, so you’ve undoubtedly addressed the issue already, and I hope everything has settled down. But it’s still worth thinking about.
Reading between the lines, it isn’t simply volume that upsets you… it’s a sudden burst of volume accompanying a rapid, unexpected mood-change. It bothers you that his emotions can shift so much, so fast, over so little, and he needs to understand *that* even more than “I can’t handle shouting”.
He might feel defensive because three shouts in two years would actually be a solid track record of patience in many households… he may feel like he’s been quite restrained during your relationship, and your suggestion that “a slip” was deliberate could thus feel insulting. He could also just be a giant man-baby… it’s hard to tell from the outside.
I’ve gotta say, I’m not a fan of the “didn’t come to bed” thing. I mean, even if he was hurt by your reaction, even if you tapped-out of the dynamic, his priority should have been soothing your involuntarily, unexpectedly agitated state. If there’s ever a time for a man to pout, it’s after the storm has passed.