…and if so, how do you find balance with that? are there any indicators you look for as to when it’s time to step back or stop engaging in a particular kink with someone? turning your pain into pleasure can be a fantastic coping mechanism, but it can also reinforce some bad ideas here and there (i’ve certainly had my fair share of kinks that started to make things worse/harder to deal with). this is one of the things that makes me most hesitant to engage in kink from a dom perspective—while the sub has the full right to make their own decisions, there’s certain things i just wouldn’t feel comfortable with engaging in, if it seemed like it was doing them more harm than good.
(This is an excellent question, for the record. I salute your thoughtfulness.)
It certainly can feel that way, if you take all of your opportunities at face value. My byzantine and pride-crushing screening process is kind of half-flowchart, half-rat-king at this point, but it exists to avoid precisely that feeling.
“More harm than good” is a useful guidepost, though. If the things you’re doing are continually making her less interesting, less vulnerable, less loving, less useful, or less purposeful, then you might need to take your foot off the gas, Lightning McQueen*, and take a good look at your goals and responsibilities.
And let me validate your stated practice: if doing something to her would make you uncomfortable with yourself —if it would say something about you that you’d rather not hear— then refuse to do it, no matter how much she begs. There are masochistic little bad-asses and determined little half-wits out there who will attempt to coax you down roads you can’t untravel, and if you’re unprepared for a one-way trip, don’t follow them.
(With that said, I’ve gone down a few of those roads now, and it can be quite enlightening. And hot as fuck, when the girl fits. But it gets very complicated, and you must be prepared to fuck up and calibrate.)
You also need to pick the right cunt. I know that’s obvious, but it really isn’t. No matter how fucked-up and twisted your interpersonal dynamic might be, the two of you should always be playing for the same side… no matter how low she’s fallen under your gaze, it should be understood that there is still eight miles of bedrock and the rest of the world beneath her feet.
And if you’re gonna share a team with someone, she’d better be someone you believe in.
* Note: my original choice of reference here was “Steve McQueen”, but then I remembered the generational and emotional level of my audience. So I went with the cartoon.