I’m a little younger than Matthew Perry and a little older than Ben Affleck —and am uglier and infinitely poorer than both— and yet I have never felt the need to beg nineteen year olds to talk to me. Seriously, guys… if I had your resources, I’d literally be running a Hot Bitch Commune right now.

Also, what the fuck’s a “Raya”? I’ve still never installed Tinder, and everyone’s already moved on to the next thing.