how do you personally go about establishing a safe word? I’m a sub pretty new to kink, and I’ve been sleeping with a more experienced dom for a little while and we don’t have a safe word. At first I didn’t really think about it but now looking back I realize we’ve done plenty of stuff that requires a safe word (cnc, knifeplay, impact play, ect), and now I’m debating whether to establish one now and keep going, or just leave entirely because he never even thought to bring it up either. It seems like he has good intentions but is just a generally irresponsible person.
(submitted by: Anonymous)
My name is their safeword. They don’t say it unless they really need me to listen.
The lack of a safeword —though problematic, particularly with a newbie— would worry me less than the fact that it hasn’t even come up until now. To be in any kind of serious control-kink relationship, you generally spend a lot of time talking about… control and kink. It’s a topic we all love to natter on about. So if you’re a follow-the-rules person, you’re gonna eventually talk about safewords. If you’re a feral masochist or religious zealot, you’re gonna talk about how much you don’t want a safeword. One way or another, it comes up.
So why hasn’t it? Why are you left asking me?
It feels like the best case scenario here is “well, he’s kind of dumb.” The worst case is that he’s been actively avoiding even acknowledging the existence of conventional guardrails, which means he’s hoping you never find out safewords exist. One of those could be well-intentioned, while the other is most definitely not.
So which is he? I can guess.
‘Cause “generally irresponsible person” is pretty damning. That means more than safewords. That means a pattern you’ve ignored as it became entrenched. It sounds like you’re already pretty resolved, even if you don’t feel it yet.
If you soldier on, it means you’ve decided he’s teachable and redeemable. And y’know what? Maybe you’re right. See to your crusade, Ms. d’Arc!
And if you leave? Don’t tell the part of you that wants to give him a chance, because I don’t want to unduly bias her against following her bliss… but just between you and me? Odds are it’s for the best.