I’ve known my partner for very long and she likes pushing her own boundaries. But sometimes I feel like sometimes she doesn’t really wants what she’s asking me to do for her. I’ve stopped because I feel like I’m abusing her more than I’m giving her pleasure, but I still love her very much. How do I know when I’ve gone too far with her even though she literately asks me for it.
(submitted by: Anonymous)
There’s nothing wrong with being cautious and patient. Until you carry on with both too long.
First, you’ve got to understand that boundary pushing seldom feels “good” in the conventional sense. Watch the people struggling at the end of a triathlon or something… that finish line is all they’ve thought about for months or years, and their entire self-image is pinned on crossing it. If they have to wobble the last few hundred yards like a drunk, peg-legged pirate while their bowels involuntarily evacuate and their lungs are burning like Mrs. O’Leary’s barn, then that’s what they’ll do. That’s what matters to them, as hard as it is for us to watch.
Second, beware: if it isn’t already, this is going to become a trust issue for the two of you. She’s going to start feeling that you’re refusing to hear her, and you’re going to start doubting yourself and retreating into a (theoretically) protective stasis. If you doubt the truth of what she says about the things that are dearest to her, it’s all going to grind to a halt quickly.
Third… make her beg. A lot. Make her boundary-pushing a time-consuming endeavor that she will only pursue when it means something to her. When she demonstrates that she truly, madly, deeply wants something, give it to her. If it proves to be too much, yes, she’ll be hurt, she’ll repent, you’ll comfort her, you’ll both learn, and you will remember that she’s on your team and doesn’t blame you for being what she needs you to be.
Fourth— and this is a big one— if her boundary pushing is making you uncomfortable about who you are and what you believe is right… full fucking stop. Do not under any circumstances allow a girl to steer you into doing something to her that makes you think less of yourself.