Hi Mr Bedtime. I’m conflicted. I’m talking to this Dom and things are going well, but I don’t know to tell him that I have relatively no sexual experience. I’m 25 and I’ve had sexual trauma in the past that spoiled the idea of sex for me. I’m ready to try to open up and trust again, I think, but I don’t know how to verbalize it without scaring him off. He seems like a good guy and I’m ready to not be scared anymore. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!
(submitted by: Anonymous)
Okay, so it’s going well, you’re talking to a good guy, and you’re ready not to be scared anymore. Those are all great things.
You’ve also chosen not to tell him you’re inexperienced, that your inexperience is the result of trauma that left you sex-repulsed, or that you’re still figuring out how to talk about any of this deeply personal stuff with a partner. None of which is ideal.
I’m not pointing out the latter to diminish the former; you should be proud of yourself for taking steps forward, and you don’t owe anyone instant disclosure. But your wholly understandable reticence still leaves you in a tough spot; sadly, doing the right thing for yourself doesn’t always make things easier.
Which means my first advice is for next time: don’t lead with your trauma, but definitely be clear about your level of sexual sophistication from the start. He can tease out the “why” at a pace acceptable to both of you, but he deserves to know there’s something to be teased.
And then there’s my advice for now: in the course of revealing yourself, you’re going to feel the urge to emphasize how significant it is that you’ve chosen to explore with him. And a little of that is fine, of course… your growth matters, and he should be honored that you want to grow with him. But you also need him to make a clear-eyed assessment of his ability to be what you need, unburdened by the weight of being The Chosen One… you want him with you because that’s where he knows he should be, not because he’s afraid he’ll look “scared off” or less than “a good guy”.
Oh, and no matter what happens? Keep healing. Keep developing. Keep being a bad-ass, and reclaim your sexuality.
So the next time you lose it, it’ll be for the right reason.