My partner and I are open. He told he wasn’t going to cum in this other girl the first time he met her. He told me after they hooked up that he didn’t. Now I’m finding out a month later that he did (and it wasn’t an accident). I’m so devastated and I don’t know how to move past this. Do you have any advice or thoughts please
(submitted by: Anonymous)
First, put “move past this” out of your mind. You’re not obligated to move past anything, and if you do, it’ll be because he dug in and helped you get there. This shit-sandwich isn’t yours to digest alone.
With that said, there are a number of undefined variables that leave me uncertain about my response.
- “Partner” doesn’t mean much to me… this could be your husband, your live-in of five years, or some guy you started dating three months ago. So I don’t know how invested you are, nor how invested he should be.
- I’ve got no clue about the power dynamic here. Is this your vanilla lover, your conventional dom, or someone who is expected to fuck with your mind and manipulate you?
- How did you find out? Did he tell you? Did she? Did you have to go digging, or was it presented to you?
- Which part devastated you? The failure to live up to a promise, the orgasm he had inside her, the possibility the sex was unsafe, his lie following the event, or the fact that he sustained the charade for a month? (“All of the above” is a valid response.)
Given the unknowns, my advice here is simple: force the conversation. Demand he sit down and be honest with you. Not just about the facts, but how he feels about them.
Then listen to what he says, and how he says it. Don’t let him talk over you, don’t let him make it about you, and don’t let him change the subject. (Don’t change it yourself, either… this isn’t about addressing old grievances.) Apologies and assurances are great, but that’s not the important stuff… what you need to see is a man, processing his own actions and emotions like an adult.
Because you can “move past” almost anything with someone who respects himself and the life you share. But you can’t make fuck-all work with someone who doesn’t.
Keep your chin up, kiddo.