Catching Up With The Surians

After avoiding it like the plague for ten years now, I’m finally watching Vanderpump Rules. (Just finished season four, with a loooong way to go.)

That seems accurate.

Stassi’s occasionally funny, and her post-Amazing Race glow-up was successful, so good for her. But based on what I’ve read about her “future” —I’m still back in 2015— she might just be a total piece of shit. We’ll see.

No, you are not.

The only thing stopping Jax from being a truly dangerous individual is all the empty space between his ears. The mystifying thing is that he manages to charm people who don’t actually want to fuck him.

Yes, you are.

Hard pass. On every conceivable level. Just go away.

He really does.

James falls into the funny-but-unconscionable category with roughly half the cast. The fact that he’s an emotional twelve year old makes it slightly easier to forgive, but not by much.

Katie’s probably the closest thing to a fully developed human being the show has to offer, with the most relatable problems… she’s unhappy as a minion but can’t be a mastermind, her boyfriend is scared of everything, and she has a tendency to eat her feelings. I can imagine comfortably sitting in a room talking about the weather with Katie, which is more than I can say about anyone else.

No shit, dude. The mere fact that you allow woman after woman on this show to call you a pussy and choose to do fuck-all about it means they’re right.

Congrats, pussy.

Oh, Scheana. So tiny, and pretty, and (relatively) inoffensive. And so, so, so dumb.

Just astonishingly dumb. Wow.

He’s not yet a worm-with-a-mustache in 2015, but he’s definitely some kind of shaved-down invertebrate. Like all the dudes on this show, he’s a man-whore with an inexplicable level of self-regard, whose primary talent seems to be surrounding himself with people so fucking useless that he looks stable in comparison.

Well, I wouldn’t go that far. But Ariana is the show’s reigning Bad Hair Champion, no question.

The only person on VR who’s actually as hot as she thinks she is.

Having never watched more than 30 seconds of any season of any Real Housewives show, I came into this with no preconceptions. And I still don’t know what I think of Lisa… is she actually the weird fusion of British and Californian tendencies that she seems, or is she just a hardened veteran of the reality TV game who knows what will play on camera? I have no clue.