🙂

When considered alongside you tiny titans of the touchscreen, I’m an amateur with emojis. I have only recently figured out what the fuck 🙌 is supposed to be, for example, and I’m so mystified by the intricately shaded messages implied by all of the heart-based emojis that when I receive one, I just file it under “someone wants to lick my brain, dick, or ass” and leave the particulars as a mystery to unfold.

Meanwhile, the only emoji I wield with any subtlety is the most boring one: the benign smile. It has a few meanings:

• Whatever you do, don’t panic. But you should know: you just fucked up, dewdrop.
• Aw, it’s sweet how ridiculous you are!
• There are at least two equally viable ways to interpret everything I just said. Have fun with that, cunt.

It’s cool, learning new things.