I’ve written at least a couple dozen variations of this post over the last few months, but it was Quentin and Uma that finally made it all click for me. I tried with Louis, and Aziz got me close, but their cases were too messy. I needed something clear to work from. And this is it.
Here’s the thing, gentlemen:
It’s okay to be a creative genius who pushes the boundaries of his collaborators. Similarly, it’s okay to be a dominant man who pushes the limits of his women. It isn’t necessarily good, but it’s not inherently awful, either.
I mean, if you’re That Guy, and you surround yourself with the right people, the results can be amazing. Having a worthy woman submit herself to your vision is pretty much the ultimate destination of the conventional masculine journey, and it’s a fortunate guy who reaches it when he’s still young enough to enjoy it.
But using women –leveraging their trust in your intentions and your talents for the furtherance of your goals– and putting them through the physical or emotional wringer comes with two ironclad fucking requirements. The first is that they buy in; that you show them you’re actually special enough to make all of your bullshit worthwhile.
The second is that when you fuck up –and you will fuck up, because the limits you’re pushing exist for a reason, and you’re kind of an asshole– you must acknowledge it. Right there, on the set or in the bed. No equivocation, and no redirection. “I fucked up.” Say it, every time. And if it comes up later, say it again.
You don’t need to bury the lede in a monsoon of apologies; “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean much, honestly. What she needs to know is that you’re both working from the same set of facts: a wrong thing happened, and you made it happen. Everything else is emotional window dressing.
Because –and I know this goes against everything you’ve been told– most women are very reasonable people. They put up with an enormous amount of shit with surprising grace, and whether you believe it’s due to social conditioning or physiological imperative, their instinct is to look for ways to get and/or move along. They just need you to help, by giving a shit about the impact your mistakes have on them.
Yeah, I know it sucks to render yourself vulnerable and admit your occasional fallibility, but it’s the scaffolding she needs to help her off the ground and back to work. And it’s the gut-check you need to remind yourself that you’re not half the god she thinks you are.