i cant believe im gonna be 23 at the end of this month 😭😭😭😭
Ah, that moment when someone less than half your age is feeling old…
Category: Conversations
Talking, teasing, manipulating, debating, and delighting
Scenes From The Stupid Corner
Me: “It was literally two people your parents’ age, discussing you like a foundling.”
Her: “I wanna be your foundling.”
Her: “Wait, what’s a foundling?”
This about sums things up.
Look, all I want is to invade every nook and cranny of your life, take away your privacy, deny you any sense of personal space, and basically treat you like some kind of idiot woman-child who can’t be allowed to work or play without guidance.
What else did you expect?
How old are you?
Old enough to have stolen a porn magazine from a Times Square sex shop because there was no internet.
My teenaged shoplifting phase was centered on violating the porn rack at the Waldenbooks in the mall.
I ripped off so many copies of Penthouse that I must have materially contributed to the collapse of Bob Guccione’s empire.
Me: I tell girls the right way to do things only after I’ve allowed them do it wrong by themselves at least once.
Her: That’s— why am I suddenly embarrassed?
Me: Well, someone is applying basic parenting strategies to your sexuality, so that could be it.
Absolutely HATE your pee vids, they are done wrong and when they show up on my dash I just roll my eyes, makes me want to block you honestly
Just do it ✔️
I just want Martin Scorsespee here to elaborate on the right way to record yourself pissing.
(To think, I was there the day someone invented Urination Critique as a discipline.)
Short Stories
“When did your ankles get thick?” he asked.
She frowned.
“I— all I said was ‘good morning’…”
He placed his coffee cup on the counter.
“Really? I wasn’t listening.”
This makes me so sad EVERY time I see it, without fail.
Aw, you poor little pile of nonsense! Allow me to cheer you up with a fairy tale.
the kind prince: Ngh.
the nothing girl: Ow!
tkp: Ngh!
tng: Owowowow!
tkp: Okay, whose bright fucking idea was it to try and put boots on this bitch?
tng: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!
tkp: Fuck it, someone go find a slipper.
A Recurring Theme
me: Hey, I admitted I made a mistake.
she: Yes, but— but then you took the mistake and you just… you turned it into another way for you to get what you want!
me: I know! Neat, huh?
The games at this carnival are rigged, and run by an awful man.
And still the girls yearn to play.
Tough Compliments For Soft Girls
“You’re like a nuclear waste disposal site for my semen. You’re where I go to bury my sins.”
Fun Date Idea
Let’s role play.
You’ll be a pointless piece of discarded fluff that floats around on stale currents of nothingness, periodically stirred up and stepped upon, destined to settle like all insubstantial, inconsequential things to the very lowest point.
And I’ll be a Roomba.
But will you scream when you approach a possible cliff? Because if so, I can’t be bothered with that.
It’s role play. I can stop being a Roomba.
Too bad about you, though.