What is your opinion on people in D/s or kinky relationships that don’t use a safeword?

onelittlekingdom:

storyofasub:

bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls:

bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls:

If they know what they’re doing, and know the questions they should be asking… then I don’t think anything. Well-informed adults can do well-informed adult things.

I admit that I was judgy about it when I was younger, and my elders were telling me they didn’t need a “purple crocodile” to short-circuit the dynamic… that when everyone opts-in, it turns what is normally a toxic arrangement into a self-healing system. It took years of convincing and lived examples before I came to understand their point of view… today, I recognize that exceptionally emotionally articulate people can find a “you may remove your restraints and roam about the cabin” groove and happily occupy it for extended periods… until something happens. Which is when you discover the true nature of the relationship… on that one night out of 3,000 when that safeword would have been handy. How two people deal with that tells the tale.

Personally, I opt for the simplest thing that does the job: I tell them my name, and then I forbid them to use it in conversation. So if I ever hear them use it, I know that they are 100% serious about the necessity of my undivided attention. On top of it being a “pay attention” that brings with it no extra cognitive load, It means that she’s addressing me reverently even in a potential moment of conflict, thus making her feel less guilty for doing so.

P.S. Don’t buy into all the simple-minded, dogmatic bullshit propagated around this subject. I encourage people to use safewords, because they’re handy, efficient tools, and I’ve done some pretty extreme shit without even once feeling constrained by their use.

But it’s okay to talk about edge cases. It’s vital, really, because eventually, everyone becomes some sort of edge case. In fact, let me give you a little taste of nuance.

• Safewords protect you from well-meaning mistakes, not abuse; your abuser will not care how many times you say “red light”.
• Safewords are notifications, not kill switches. People often chafe at and eschew safewords precisely because so many good-hearted dumbfucks push the idea that “this is how the sub takes back her power.” In reality, a safeword is simply how the sub says “Hey, pay attention!” Maybe the next sentence is “I’m done with this, let me up,” and maybe it’s “my knee is going to snap if you don’t adjust that rope.” Stop overloading the goddamned mechanism while trying to turn it into some weird test of faith.
• If “I don’t have a safeword” scares you, wait until you hear how “divorce is not an option in our marriage” from vanilla people who aren’t even aware they have a power dynamic.
• The lack of a safeword doesn’t imply a relationship lacks a means of exiting the dynamic. There’s no safeword to stop a rollercoaster mid-ride or a tandem skydive mid-jump, but on a regular basis, the participants are given an opportunity to step away.
• If someone says “I don’t have a safeword,” the adult response is “Really? So how do you navigate moment-to-moment exigencies and long-term shifts in the dynamic?” Not “Heretic! Burn the unbeliever!”
• Unless you’re just trying to be a gatekeeping douchebag. In which case, by all means… shake that pitchfork, burn the apostate, blah blah blah. Enjoy your inquisition, you tedious fucks.

Yeah your writing is literally perfect.

Me: *gets in car*

Sub: *gets in car”

Me: Ready to go?

Sub: Yessir!

Me: Safety first.

Sub: So I don’t go through the windshield if we have an accident?

Me: That’s right little one. Put on your safety belt.

Sub: Let’s discuss it sir. I’d like to come up with another valid way to stop me from going through the windshield.

Me: Why should we do this? What’s wrong with my safety belt?

Sub: It’s a fine safety belt sir. It’s just not how I think we should stop ME from going through the windshield. I understand you place a lot of faith in your safety belt, but there are other ways to keep me in my seat.

Me: All right. I’ll bite. How are you improving on the safety belt?

Sub: How about a giant sock that goes over my passenger seat, that cocoons me to the chair?

Me: Sounds like a safety belt. A giant, thick, hot, inconvenient safety belt.

Sub: Yes but it’s not a safety belt sir.

Me: That’s for sure. OK. Any other bright ideas young lady?

Sub: How about we run inside and collect all the pillows, and stuff them all in front of me? Wouldn’t that stop me from going through the windshield?

Me: It will take time and energy to do that kiddo. A whole lot more than putting on your safety belt.

Sub: But you must admit that it’s a valid way to make me safer while we drive together?

Me: Sure. It’s not as immediately accessible as your safety belt, won’t react as quickly as your safety belt, won’t keep you as safe as your safety belt, but it’s a valid way of making you safer in the car. Now put on your safety belt.

Sub: But Sir!

Me: The bottom line here is that we will go nowhere together until you get on board with the safety belt young lady. Your safety is my first priority. Even more of a priority than your company. Careful getting out of the car. Don’t let me keep you from coming up with less efficient ways to keep you safe while driving with me. We can talk again when you’re ready to strap in and use the time honored, repeatedly proven, currently installed safety belt that exists in my vehicle, while journeying with me.

I’ll die on the safeword hill – pitchfork in hand. Who’s with me???

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE A PITCHFORK

…or, and here’s a thought: no one has to be hyper-dramatic, and perhaps we don’t have to frame every discussion in life-or-death terms. What if no one has to die, on any hill or plain, in the course of a conversation?

What if… some adults choose to ride in the back seat, where they’re not required to wear seat belts? What if —like the overwhelming majority of people— they sometimes forego one in the front seat, too? What if they sometimes ride, unrestrained, in the bed of a truck because someone has to keep stuff from flying out on the highway? I mean, it’s possible this might surprise some folks, but people have been known to not only let themselves out of their safety belts, but even go so far as sucking dick going down the road.

Now personally, I’ve seen Garp, and am firmly opposed to road head. And as an annoying dad-type, I don’t go anywhere unless everyone is strapped in… I’ve seen at least one life saved by a seat belt. It’s painless and straightforward, as far as I’m concerned.

But I’m not sitting in my car at a light, shouting at all the other unbelted adults in their cars, assuming I know their risk factors, their needs, nor the balance they’ve struck. Hell, if I were a cop and charged with actually addressing the use of a seatbelt, I’d still just give someone a ticket and move on.

I lack the hubris to go full-on Karen at an intersection.

What is your opinion on people in D/s or kinky relationships that don’t use a safeword?

bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls:

If they know what they’re doing, and know the questions they should be asking… then I don’t think anything. Well-informed adults can do well-informed adult things.

I admit that I was judgy about it when I was younger, and my elders were telling me they didn’t need a “purple crocodile” to short-circuit the dynamic… that when everyone opts-in, it turns what is normally a toxic arrangement into a self-healing system. It took years of convincing and lived examples before I came to understand their point of view… today, I recognize that exceptionally emotionally articulate people can find a “you may remove your restraints and roam about the cabin” groove and happily occupy it for extended periods… until something happens. Which is when you discover the true nature of the relationship… on that one night out of 3,000 when that safeword would have been handy. How two people deal with that tells the tale.

Personally, I opt for the simplest thing that does the job: I tell them my name, and then I forbid them to use it in conversation. So if I ever hear them use it, I know that they are 100% serious about the necessity of my undivided attention. On top of it being a “pay attention” that brings with it no extra cognitive load, It means that she’s addressing me reverently even in a potential moment of conflict, thus making her feel less guilty for doing so.

P.S. Don’t buy into all the simple-minded, dogmatic bullshit propagated around this subject. I encourage people to use safewords, because they’re handy, efficient tools, and I’ve done some pretty extreme shit without even once feeling constrained by their use.

But it’s okay to talk about edge cases. It’s vital, really, because eventually, everyone becomes some sort of edge case. In fact, let me give you a little taste of nuance.

• Safewords protect you from well-meaning mistakes, not abuse; your abuser will not care how many times you say “red light”.
• Safewords are notifications, not kill switches. People often chafe at and eschew safewords precisely because so many well-meaning dumbfucks push the idea that “this is how the sub takes back her power.” In reality, a safeword is simply how the sub says “Hey, pay attention!” Maybe the next sentence is “I’m done with this, let me up,” and maybe it’s “my knee is going to snap if you don’t adjust that rope.” Stop overloading the goddamned mechanism while trying to turn it into some weird test of faith.
• If “I don’t have a safeword” scares you, wait until you hear how “divorce is not an option in our marriage” from vanilla people who aren’t even aware they have a power dynamic.
• The lack of a safeword doesn’t mean a relationship lacks a means of exiting the dynamic. There’s no safeword to stop a rollercoaster mid-ride or a tandem skydive mid-jump, but on a regular basis, the participants are given an opportunity to step away.
• If someone says “I don’t have a safeword,” the adult response is “Really? So how do you navigate moment-to-moment exigencies and long-term shifts in the dynamic?” Not “Heretic! Burn the unbeliever!”
• Unless you’re just trying to be a gatekeeping douchebag. In which case, by all means… shake that pitchfork, burn the apostate, blah blah blah. Enjoy your inquisition, you tedious fucks.