On Feminism

I greatly admire Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th President of the United States. For those who are unaware, there are two basic ways to describe him.

The first relies upon your imagination: summon before your mind’s eye a single human being whose physical, behavioral, and philosophical characteristics are a composite of every positive and negative cliché that springs to mind when you read the word “American”. Teddy was that fucking guy.

The other way uses information: T.R. was a literally-saber-rattling warrior, who gave us the “speak softly and carry a big stick” approach to diplomacy, while winning a Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of a war between the Russian and Japanese Empires. The man was crazy-tough and determined; someone shot him on his way to a campaign event, but he shrugged it off as a minor inconvenience, and went on to deliver his ninety minute speech with the bullet still inside him. He was a trust-busting friend of the working man, the scion of a wealthy family who was considered a turncoat by the monied elite. He was a bigger-than-life individual who –despite holding a few of-his-time ideas that would be alarming today– was ultimately one of the most significant progressives of the modern era.

But for my purposes, he was primarily a passionate conservationist. Teddy loved the natural world even more than he hated being called “Teddy,” and arguably did more to safeguard the land and all that lives upon it than any other American, before or since. He was an avid hunter and fisherman who knew our wondrous, complicated planet was a finite, shared resource that must be nurtured and allowed opportunities to grow wild and free.

Teddy cared for Mother Earth and protected her, so that she would always be his to prey upon.

…and now you know how I call myself a feminist.

Drove by a girl and her dad in the middle of the street tonight. She was kneeling over her dog in the twilight, and her desperate, anguished cries nearly cracked the pavement.

I don’t feel like being mean to anyone tonight. Go hug your pets.

Dear Bedtime #1

Someone recently asked if I thought she should cheat on her age-appropriate boyfriend with her much-older college professor. I decided to answer her publicly for the edification of all.

Dear Aspiring Tramp:

I seldom give advice, and when I do, it should always be assumed to come with a disclaimer indicating that I’m not an authority on jack-shit. You silly things know I get off on playing with your emotions… what on earth makes you think my input is going to lead to anything more than a series of very arousing mistakes?

With that said, I hope you bang the professor. What’s the point of having a boyfriend, if not to make sex hotter with the guys you fuck behind his back? Chances are, your cunt is craving the guilt as much as the academic cock. And I suspect you already know that, since you’re asking the opinIon of someone who gets off on the guilty secrets of misbehaving girls.

Just imagine how amazing it will feel! Not simply the betrayal of a petty trust –he’s not your husband, after all– but all of it, all the possible repercussions. I mean, eventually, your whoreish proclivities will end the relationship… you’ll get caught, if only because you want to. What happens then? Your boy goes off jaded and embittered, a little wiser, a little more cruel. It’s like you’re giving a special sort of gift to the next girl who comes into his life; he’ll take the things you’ve taught him about wayward women and apply them to her: with any luck, he’ll make that little bitch suffer for your sins.

In fact, if you want things to be perfect as you degrade yourself with your ethically flexible authority figure, I have a suggestion. While that learned old man dick is sawing in and out of your thirsty, amoral holes, just picture your boy choking the shit out of his next sweetheart and calling her a faithless slut. It’s not like she won’t have it coming.

I mean, you already know he has wretched taste in women!

Go away now.

Dear Game of War:

Congratulations! You have my undivided attention! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make me hate the sight of Kate Upton? It’s like you’re practicing some weird, psychological alchemy, where you transmute my love of tits into a barely-suppressed urge to throw my iPad across the room.

Now that I’ve acknowledged the cleverness and success of your little experiment, can you pretty-please stop poking me with a jiggly, blonde stick everywhere I go online? I’d really appreciate it.