Category: Questions & Answers

have u had any toys who weren’t white?

(submitted by: Anonymous)

This neck has belonged to me for a long time.

It’s had my hand wrapped around it, squeezing until her eyes rolled back. It’s had my fingers down it, making her gag and heave. It’s been grabbed and used to pin her to a wall after dragging her around like a clumsy puppet.

But I don’t think of it as a toy. As I said in my first message to her, it’s more of a flight stick.

To what do you owe your eloquence and articulation?

It isn’t genetics, that much is clear. In terms of experiences?

1. Comic books. I taught myself to read using tattered copies of House of Mystery and oversized reprints of old shit like Action Comics #1. I drove my mom insane, running from my bedroom to the kitchen every three minutes to ask, “What’s this word?”
2. Becoming a disruptive student in sixth grade, and realizing that if you phrased things just so, even the teacher would laugh. You could basically take her class away from her, and make her like it.
3. Harrison Ford said “George, you can type this shit, but you can’t say it!” I learned to never be satisfied with a sentence until I could smoothly read it aloud.
4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy took me to a different place. I suddenly wanted to lace my words with double and triple meanings, began playing with puns and lateral thinking, and ultimately saw the power of communicative amalgam… being simultaneously insightful and stupid at the same time. (Ba-dum-bump. I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.)
5. I accidentally bought a ticket to Kenneth Branagh’s Henry V. I became obsessed. I uncovered a linguistic power that exceeded my comprehension… it was like a monkey finding the launch codes for a nuke.
6. I got lost in the wilderness for quite a while. I had no voice. I wrote like whatever I was reading at the time. I read a bunch of Alan Dean Foster, so I wrote like him. Douglas Adams. Clive Barker. Craig Shaw Gardner. W. Shakespeare. Frank Miller. Chris Claremont. Esther Freisner. I’d rip off their styles without noticing. I became a mimic.
7. I found an online sex forum full of perverted lawyers, engineers, PhDs, and one honest-to-God aristocrat, who liked to fight as much as fuck. I admired some of them —these were the most extensively educated, articulate people I’d ever met— and loathed others —my admiration and loathing shifted around as people changed over the years— but mostly I wanted to be their peer. I had to learn to craft impenetrable arguments and apologize when I was wrong. I discovered oratory. I found I had a knack for crafting meaningful connections between disparate phenomena. And most of all, I developed an elevated, written version of my normal speech patterns.

do your girls get jealous of each other at times? If so, how is that handled? Very interested

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Of course; humans are human. Each of them has felt jealous of the others at various times, to various degrees… it’d be weird if they hadn’t.

It’s handled by reminding them that everyone is on the same team, everyone plays a different role on that team, and every single one of them is damned lucky to be in my life at all.

Unless they’re jealous of my dog, in which case they can fuck right off.

Thank you for allowing me to provide more context on this (and for calling me a good girl). I am hopeful for your perspective, as it’s always been sound in my eyes.

Fundamentally, I (23) operate as a monogamous woman. I haven’t ever been drawn to polyamory. My ex (Master 52) had always been intrigued by it, but in our dynamic we remained monogamous.

This helps me understand that my ex and I were fundamentally wrong for each other from the beginning. It is important to note, I broke no contact with him after finding out this news. I asked a million questions, being the emotional masochist I am – and it helped a bit. Yet, I am still very much struggling to grasp the concept at hand.

Knowing what he chose to share, it doesn’t alleviate the regret and conflicting feelings I harbor for the lengths that I went to, to further capture his attention. To prove my devotion. I invested so much of myself into the dynamic, I believe any good girl would. I did many things in that dynamic that I don’t foresee myself doing again: having my head shaved, having a signature tattooed on me, and other very tangible things that prove ownership. It feels like all of those things meant nothing, when for me they feel very formative, life altering acts. These aren’t things that can be undone, but I long for them to be. I am of the belief that good M/s can rarely be undone, but I am now on the other side of a dynamic and I can’t seem to let go of it.

I see my ex (Master) now juggling 3 women, when I alone was too much to utilize and navigate. These are his words, though they’re incredibly hard to wrap my head around. I feel like these women are getting everything that I worked so hard for, and ultimately never got. His attention, his enthusiasm, his desire to explore.

Ultimately, it’s all very conflicting. I am thankful to know, but the weight of knowing is suffocating. I can’t stop looking at photos of them, in the bed where I once laid, on the floor where I worshiped him, the bathtub where he drowned me.

It’s unhealthy, I recognize this. I am just at odds with myself. I never in a million years expected him to move on in this way, and I know I must accept it. I know going no contact again might be the answer.

How do I not lose myself during this tumultuous time? How do I have grace with him and his new explorations? How do I not internalize this as a reflection of myself, and the service I provided? Do you have any thoughts, or words of wisdom to a girl who is lost, and really even wondering if this lifestyle is sustainable?

(submitted by: Anonymous)

There’s a lot going on here, and I probably won’t do it all justice. But here’s what I’ve got:

First, that age gap is pretty huge, so I’m gonna be a bit more judgy about his behavior in all of this. He’s allowed to have flaws and make mistakes, but it doesn’t sound like he did enough to minimize the impact of his flaws and mistakes on someone whose own youthful dumbassery made her extra vulnerable. And that experiential asymmetry is exacerbated by the nebulous nature of the breakup.

You’ve asked him a million questions, but I’m guessing not the ones you actually wanted answered. As a result, he tossed you some bones and left you to divine the truth from them… you’re twenty-three, so interpersonal augury isn’t going to be your strong suit. He’s gonna need to give you more than that.

Which might be tough, because it feels like you’re both hoping the other will come to his/her senses and stop all this foolishness… something that simply can’t happen, because you don’t share a definition of “sense”. He wants you to embrace life as one piece of a larger puzzle, and you want to be the lone X on his treasure map.

What makes it extra confusing is that you’re both basing your unspoken, futile hopes on the same thing:

• You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely that must outweigh everything else!
• You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely polyamory is just one more step on that devotional journey?

From what I can see, there’s no fix to be found here without someone having an unexpected and dramatic change of heart. I don’t know if “no contact” is the answer, but what you’re doing isn’t working.

RE: all those things meant nothing

Regret is a hot-button of mine… it’s the only thing I never want a girl to feel. If you regret being with me —and doing what “being with me” requires— then I have fucked-up on a fundamental level. I didn’t warn you enough, prepare you enough, test you enough… I didn’t ensure you understood the life that awaited you. The thought of such a failure sickens me.

So let me be very clear about something, for you and everyone else.

Never, ever do life-changing shit for a man just to garner his attention, enthusiasm, or desire. Devotion isn’t transactional… it isn’t the extra-credit work of a dutiful student, looking for a “++” to go with an “A”. It isn’t a bet you place, hoping to hit a jackpot. It isn’t a finish line you’re trying to cross.

You only give your all to him because he’s worthy. Because he deserves no less. Your sacrifice is a celebration of what is, not an invocation of what should be. You surrender your flesh and soul not for what he might do, but for what he has already done.

If it feels like an investment, you’re doing it wrong.

RE: undone

It sounds like you did some significant things for him while he was harboring a multitude of doubts. To be honest, that’s actually pretty shitty of him… there’s no good way to sugarcoat it.

The polyamory thing, sure, that could sneak up on him… he knew it was important, just not how important. But I suspect he knew there was a larger problem long before he left. Whatever may have impelled him to keep trying —responsibility, guilt, stubbornness— doesn’t change the fact that he knew something wasn’t working. He should have been taking his foot off the gas and asking some hard questions, not flooring it and hoping for the best. The Thelma & Louise approach seldom saves a relationship.

RE: juggling 3 women

A sip of harsh medication might be efficacious here.

You won’t like reading this, but three women who can fluently speak his language will be easier to handle than one who can’t. It doesn’t matter how much time you spend on elaborate gesticulation and compelling pictograms… if the words can’t flow freely, you’ll be harder to utilize and navigate.

That doesn’t mean you’re “too much”… he should probably rethink his phrasing. But there was almost certainly something wrong with your dynamic that was far bigger than “monogamy vs. polyamory”, and the fact that he hasn’t been able to clearly explain this is a further symptom of the problem. Y’all have been talking, but you haven’t been communicating.

Again, I have to put most of it on him. You weren’t his equal partner in this —by design— and can’t be expected to understand these pitfalls before they’ve consumed you. There’s nothing wrong with you needing help to climb back out.

But as long as you’re down there, I’d say it’s time to take a hard look at how you got here, and realize that whether he wanted one woman or ten, it wasn’t working for you.

RE: How do I not internalize this…?

By reminding yourself that there was nothing inherently wrong with your service… you simply can’t do the right thing for the wrong man.

Did your past girls interact as much as your current ones do? Do they remain friends when thing ends? Always so curious!

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Dear So Curious:

1. No, they didn’t. Which was a huge miscalculation on my part. I didn’t do nearly enough to ensure everyone felt like they were on the same team… I had much to learn.
2. I’m not planning on any “ends”, but if it happens, I hope they don’t entirely lose their sense of connection. They’ve all shared something weird and profound, something that no one else can ever truly comprehend… it would be a shame to see anyone alienated from that sort of intimate understanding.

Wow reading through your stuff makes me kind of wish I was the kind of girl you’d like. I’m not a skinny model type. But everything you say solidifies in my mind that you’re an experienced Dom and you know what you’re doing and that makes me wet.

(submitted by: Anonymous)

In order:

• The kind of girl I’d like is the kind who knows she will never be exactly what I want, and thus will devote her life to diligently improving all she has and thoroughly compensating for all she lacks.
• Pretty girls can jump the line, but a nice ass won’t get anyone through the door.
• I don’t think of myself as “an experienced Dom”, but whatever I am, I’ve been working at it and writing about it since 1993.
• I learn something new every day, but yeah, within my sphere, I know what I’m doing. I’m even pretty good at it, when the stars align.
• You poor thing. The bar is so low that longevity and competence are enough to humidify your panties… I’m sorry men are so disappointing. But don’t worry, kiddo, you’re always welcome to hang around here and “kind of wish” your brains out.

girls come to you and say teehee Im broken can you give me some wank material then you go and say something that gives everyone in the room a new kink, love that for us and for you

(submitted by: transarsonist)

What can I say? Girls are Schrödinger boxes full of ambiguous sexual impulses, and I love lifting their lids and sealing their fates.

gonna spend most of my day today dreaming abt how to earn the privilege of calling you daddy 🙊

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Whatever you imagined, the reality is probably much worse.

And much, much better.