Category: Questions & Answers

Anonymous asked:

You think one of the reasons that you only like a girl half of your age that because you are worried that mature women would show you how immature you are and throw you away. I mean apart from all those fancy words, you are just a shallow man who has no relationship and ambitions. It really surprises me how a grown man spends this much time talking about silly things and that too only online.

One day you will meet a real woman and you will regret how much you have wasted pursuing just cunts but you will be old enough to not even jerk off.

I’m trying to figure out if this is from the pen of a particularly incurious, humorless, and shockingly vapid woman, or just some random dude.

Six of one, half-dozen of the other. 🤷‍♂️

1. There are no reason me only like girl half me age, because me no only like girl half me age. Me be with woman older than me for longer than you be alive. (I’m not sure how else to convey the concept of “30 years” to an addlepated cave-dweller.)
2. There are countless relevant accusations to be leveled at me, and salient names to call me. I am a deeply flawed entity. But I’m afraid “immature” isn’t high on the list.
3. Suggestion: try “constipated”. ‘Cause, I mean, the girls and I were in NOLA for nine days last month, and, well… once. That’s all I’ll say. Once.
4. Your failure to understand the power of “fancy words” will always render whole layers of the human experience opaque to you. You’re walking in a blur, convinced myopia is proper to man.
5. Shallow is a judgment call. I’ll let that one slide.
6. Dude, I’m in more years-long, physical, committed relationships right now than you will have, consecutively, throughout the entirety of your misbegotten life. I’ve got more relationship-hours under my belt than you and your parents put together. None of which makes me right, of course… but it damned sure means you’re wrong.
7. People build shrines to me and pray to me before bed. Where precisely is my ambition to go from here? Ragnarok?
8. This grown man has been writing about kink for over 30 years now; before the web, upon the web, and then beyond it. However much time you think I’ve spent, trust me, it’s more.
9. You’re free to find all of this silly. I find furries silly. I find men who love My Little Pony silly. Humans gonna human… for some people, an individual slipping and sliding on ice is a terrifying, nerve-wracking sight; for others, it’s a fucking laugh-riot; and for still others, it’s called “figure skating” and we pretend not to laugh when they fall.
10. As I’ve said before, this “only online” thing kinda concerns me. Without question, much of what you see on Tumblr is generated by people shouting their unrealized fantasies into the void. No, your sad cousin Jessica doesn’t actually want to be raped by a team of spider monkeys and a maintenance guy named Francis. Yes, (at)butseriouslyihatechicks69 would be scared to deliver his shpiel to the face of an actual woman. But physical hook-ups and long-term relationships are not uncommon around here, and you can find yourself in deep shit if you don’t figure that out PDQ.
11. You may be surprised to hear this, but women are rather common. They’re, like, everywhere. It’s almost like they’re 51% of humanity. And I’ve met lots of them at this point. I can’t 100% guarantee all of them were real, but I got a handful of a handful of ‘em, and can thus attest to their splooshy reality.
12. I don’t pursue “just cunts”. I don’t pursue anyone. I am pursued.
13. No, that’s not right… I’m beseeched.
14. I cannot refute your closing remark. I am indeed old and will probably need viagra someday. So…

Anonymous asked:

Could you do 1998? 👉🏼👈🏼 If you don’t mind

My memories are sharpest every other decade… so the 20teens, the ‘90s, and the ‘70s meant the most to me. And ‘98 was a fairly interesting year.

• “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Bill is a pedant, as well as an asshole… he knew damned well he was busted, but he found a phrasing —“sexual relations”— that gave his lie deniability.
• Compaq bought DEC… and now no one even remembers Compaq. I mean, autocorrect just tried to change “Compaq” to “compact” because it didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. (A few years later, I would buy a Compaq iPAQ —autocorrect thought I meant “iPad”— which was the first fully worthwhile Pocket PC. It’s key characteristic was its “sled” accessory system… modems, card slots, GPS receivers, etc.)
• Mary Kay Latourneau got herself sent back to the pen, presumably ‘cause she found skinny teenaged nerd-dick to be irresistible.
• Titanic won a bunch of Academy Awards, and… I’m okay with that. Personally, I would have given Jim Cameron an Oscar for The Abyss before Titanic, but fine, it was a very good —and vastly over-hyped— movie.
• The Teletubbies debuted in the US, and creeped me the fuck out.
• Phil Hartman’s wife did too much Prozac and cocaine —emphasis on “cocaine”, thanks a lot, Andy Dick— and she murder-suicided one of the finest comic actors of his generation. Phil would be retired in his 70s today, but he would have made the 21st century funnier.
• I watched every televised game of The Bulls final three-peat season, and it was indeed a grand thing… for all his unrivaled greatness in so many areas, Jordan’s sense of theater was a defining feature. Kobe had a flair for the dramatic —he loved the dagger at the buzzer— but Mike was something… else. He didn’t just want the spotlight… he craved the whole fucking stage. He made it all about him while getting the best out of everyone around him, which is a pretty fair definition of “god” if you ask me. Michael Jordan: the NBA’s deus ex machina. (P.S.: I actually liked The Wizards Years.)
• Saving Private Ryan: one of those movies I may have watched, but instantly forgot. Spielberg has a spotty record with me, with insanely high points like Jaws and Schindler’s List, and are-you-kidding-me wastes of time like Minority Report and Hook, with merely competent fare like SPR and West Side Story in the middle.
• A certain kind of person went to watch Barry Levinson’s Wag the Dog in ‘97, and by ‘98, they were radicalized. When Clinton launched airstrikes in August, people were less worried about the ethics or efficacy of the strikes than with the idea that they were launched to distract from the cigar-cooch scandal.
• Google was founded, and AltaVista suffered a fatal wound it would not notice for several years.
• Mark McGwire set a tainted record, and we all knew it was tainted before anyone had proof. The Body That Anabolic Steroids Built looked like a Pixar superhero’s, so his juicing was as obvious as Pam Anderson’s bolt-ons. And just like those gloriously fake titties, we didn’t care that it was unreal. We liked watching someone cheat his way to dominance… which is a flaw/feature of the American character that’s always been there.
• Sonny Fucking Bono delivered one of the biggest corporate giveaways in American history with his 20 year extension to copyright.
• The DMCA also passed, and we’re still dealing with it decades later.
• The Bellagio opened in Vegas, and a few months later I was watching the fountains and exploring the Vanderpump-esque interior. It was a nice place.
• John Glenn made it back to orbit at 77, and I was proud of him.
• On this episode of Maury: the DNA tests came back, and Thomas Jefferson fathered a child on Sally Hemings. Which really shouldn’t have surprised anyone, because it feels like cognitive dissonance was TJ’s default state. The most articulate proponent of individual liberty in the world, aaaaaaand a slave-rapist… he was quite a package.
• A Bug’s Life was released, and promptly drilled a hole in Antz’ exoskeleton and fucked it to death. And while I’m a fan of early Woody Allen, I feel like he was a weird choice for the lead in a kids’ movie in ‘98.
• Seinfeld decided to go out on a high note; I’ve come to respect the finale more with time, but it’s still more satisfying than funny.
• “I don’t wanna wait, for my life to be overrrrrr, I wanna know right now, what will it be…?” I was kind of a Pacey who wanted to be a Dawson… which means I was basically Pacey.
• I never watched a single ep of Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place, but I damned sure knew it existed. That title stuck with ya.
• The Simple Life, X Play, Sex and the City, That ‘70s Show, City Confidential, and Felicity all debuted. My take, in order: amusing, glorious, frustrating, funny, creepy-cool, and Keri Russell was adorable.
• Mr. Show with Bob & David went away, and it made me want to blow up the moon.
• Blade, A Simple Plan, Elizabeth, and Out of Sight were in theaters. Out of Sight, by the way, is still one of only three Steven Soderbergh films I genuinely admire.
• Rob Halford came out of the closet, and a very specific group of people were scandalized.
• Madonna’s “Frozen” was the best thing she’d done in years. She followed it up with “Ray of Light”, which extended her shelf-life by another decade.
• The Gary Cherone version of Van Halen appeared, and everyone quietly agreed to pretend we didn’t notice.
• *NSYNC released their debut, and I didn’t give one microscopic fuck.
• Geri left the Spice Girls, and I’m not proud to admit this, but I cared more than I have ever cared about anything Taylor Swift has ever done. I was just starting to like those silly girls, and they immediately began falling apart.
• “Girls you know you better watch out, some guys —some guys— are all about, that thing, that thing, that thing…”
• “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” isn’t the best of The Offspring —that would be “Self-Esteem”— but it’s damned close.
• Sorry Brandy, but I would have given it to Monica in a heartbeat. If it’s any consolation, you’ll always have Ray J.

Anonymous asked:

that anon saying about being born in 1999 and your response was so 😵‍💫😵‍💫(and interesting too!) I was born in 2005 so i’m curious as to what that was like for you 😛

also ive seen your blogs around for a while but only just followed it recently. you have this sort of nonchalance about you that I feel would make it very hard to brat for you…

 Hm. 2005? That’s a little less vivid… among other things, I was going through a major depressive period around then, and I think I disassociated away a big chunk of the year. But that aside…

• I was a bit more gray by then, and I was beginning to feel more dad than daddy.
• Bush the Lesser began his second term. I don’t loathe him as much these days, because I’ve learned his kind can be dumber, greedier, and far more cruel. He’s at least a polite man, and we’ve reached a point in our bullshit antagonistic society where I’m giving previously unimagined credit to people for exhibiting basic public decency.
• YouTube launched. To this day, my most successful upload has 40,000 paltry views, and I’m disturbed to realize I posted it almost 20 years ago.
• Katrina blew in, and 19 years later, it is shocking how many still-apparent marks a single storm left on NOLA.
• That was the year that Dennis “BTK” Rader basically handed himself to the law in a feat of epic, ego-driven stupidity… he sent the cops a taunting, confessional Word document containing identifying metadata on a fucking floppy. It honestly makes me wonder if Rader was really clever, or if he just got away with it for so long because everyone in Wichita is a complete moron.
• I lined up at midnight for the Xbox 360. It was an impulsive thing on a restless night, so I didn’t have a machine reserved or anything… we just decided to head to the store and see if I’d get lucky. I look back on the 360 as one of my favorite consoles, behind the N64, Dreamcast, and PS1, but ahead of the Xbox OG/PS2/Gamecube/Genesis/NES/2600.
• “Sexting” entered the public consciousness, but I’d been doing it for over a decade at that point. I think we called it “hot chat” or something equally lame back then. Not that “sexting” is much better, but sometimes you stick with what sticks.
• Resident Evil 4 was the first RE I didn’t play at all… and that began an unbroken streak of indifference to the whole franchise that lasts to this day.
• I ignored Guitar Hero when it debuted, and refused to buy in until Guitar Hero 3 in 2007. It promptly became a household addiction until Rock Band was released, whereupon I pretty much forgot GH ever existed. Except for the GH3 guitar, which I preferred to that mushy mess that shipped with RB.
• Attack of the Show! debuted on G4. Some of their bits were paper thin, but once the hosting duties fell into the hands of Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn, there was enough talent on hand to carry them through the misfires. They had a perfect mix of actual information, goofy shit, and hot chicks… it helped that there were women in the writers’ room, so it didn’t turn into a nerdy Man Show.
• Tom Cruise bounced on Oprah’s couch, beginning his Irritating Scientologist Ambassador period. And yes, I made fun of him, because he made an ass of himself. But deep inside I was just jealous that he was taking Joey Potter off the market.
• Carrie Underwood won Idol. And given that her closest competition was Bo Bice, that’s for the best.
• The Office opened for business. I completely ignored it until Carrell’s final season, when the hype at last convinced me to give it a try. And with the help of a keleven —a mistake plus keleven gets you home by seven!— I can juggle the numbers and claim I was a fan from the start.
• Watching Hell’s Kitchen sent me digging for other Gordon-related content, resulting in my exposure to the UK’s Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. This would prove to be a gateway drug for Anglophilia, as our household consumption of British media began a steep and unabated rise.
• Beauty and the Geek, The Girls Next Door, and So You Think You Can Dance launched, providing me with my recommended weekly allowance of Hot & Shallow, Hot & Stupid, and Hot & Talented.
• I watched the first few eps of Supernatural and kinda checked out. Which probably means I’m on Tumblr Double-Secret Probation or something.
• Invasion had the horrible misfortune of being a show about a hurricane that began airing shortly after Katrina hammered the Gulf… it was imperfect, but it gave us 22-ish episodes of solid science-fantasy and introduced the world to Evan Peters and Elizabeth Moss.
• Lucy, Daughter of the Devil and The Boondocks premiered, establishing the talents of H. Jon Benjamin and Aaron McGruder and between them offending every single one of Middle America’s sensibilities.
• 8 Simple Rules followed the Phil Hartman Rule and put itself out of its misery after a single season spent mourning John Ritter, and Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica ended after introducing me to the concept of “dropping the kids off at the pool”.
• Late Registration dropped, and Kanye inadvertently created the most awkward recurring moment of 2005: random white people frowning slightly as they found themselves vaguely distressed at having to sing “but she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke” instead of what they were really wanting to sing.
• “Haven’t you people ever heard of / closing the goddamned door?”
• Danity Kane was formed, and even the girls in Danity Kane didn’t care.
• Chris Brown is still an asshole, and “Run It!” is still a fantastic fucking song.
• Seriously, 2005 was a packed year, musically speaking. There was something good in every genre… it was like the ‘90s again.
• Movies, OTOH? Ouch. 2005 was packed with tepid, mediocre movies. The top 10 were bland at best, and none of them were memorable. Brokeback Mountain lived up to the hype, and Amy Adams was delightful in Junebug, but… sheesh. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really was the year’s high point.
• I probably sound extra-bitter because I really, really wanted to love Serenity. And maybe I’d like it more if I watched it again in 2024. It’s possible. It’s not as if the movie was bad, after all… just terribly disappointing.

RE: followed it recently

I’m an acquired taste for refined palates.

RE: hard to brat

You’re correct. Bratting isn’t just something I dislike; it’s incompatible with my personality.

I’m not an even vaguely angry person, and I don’t react to stress with impulsive force and misdirected rage… I just become disappointed. And my disappontment is the high-potency stuff. Despite the ambient sexual sadism and my contempt for their collective ability to function as adults without my guidance, the girls all feel more respected than they’ve ever felt… and my disappointment threatens that. The thought of losing even a splinter of my respect is devastating.

So if she loves me, a girl won’t want to brat. It’ll feel wrong. It’ll feel shameful. It’ll feel like an insult to something she worships. It’ll feel like a betrayal of something far more important than she will ever be.

Bratting with me is like getting in a slap-fight with a cloud that feels like you’ve let it down.

With the potential exception of returning to Canada, I don’t foresee leaving the States any time soon. I’m old and tired, so the next few meetings will involve the girls coming to me.

But don’t let the petty reality of my creaky vertebrae squash your dreams.

Keep rubbing.

Along with “making me erect” and “making me comfortable”, “making me laugh” is among the highest of callings for a cunt.

Good girls know how to make their inadequacies amusing.

My 1999:

• Waitresses had been calling me “sir” for at least a few years at that point.
• My first gray hairs were sprouting.
• I was building a blogging engine for the BDSM community I operated. And migrating the whole community platform from a custom —and horrifically inefficient— flat-file XML database to a slightly faster Access backend. (It was several more years before I moved to MySQL.)
• Shakespeare In Love won the Oscar, which wasn’t the most egregious winner ever, but certainly in the top —bottom?— 15.
• Columbine happpened… I remember being pissed that those two dweebs made Doom look bad.
• Napster materialized. I remember being pissed that Lars and James made Metallica look bad.
• Putin took over. I remember thinking I was going to miss having a Russian president named “Boris”.
• I saw this video with a hot cheerleader asking to be hit one more time.
• “My Name Is” and “Guilty Conscience” were in heavy rotation on my CD-based MP3 player.
• Cher made us all familiar with AutoTune. And then Buffy’s freshman roommate tried to kill us with it.
• “What’s My Age Again?” and “All the Small Things” amused me.
• “Nookie”, “Break Stuff”, and —dear God, just typing this hurts my fingers— “9 Teen 90 Nine” did not amuse me. Listening to Durst moan “touch my balls and my ass” on his leaked sex-tape, OTOH…
• I did not go to Woodstock ‘99. In retrospect, I’m happy with this decision.
• I will never get over the night I played Will Smith’s “Wild Wild West” on the stream and everyone collectively blinked and said as one, “Will Smith had a music career?” Yes, children. He did.
• Someone tried to murder George Harrison; presumably his wounds gently weeped.
• Susan Lucci finally won an embarrassingly beta Daytime Emmy, thus shutting her up forever. And the world rejoiced.
• “I see dead people.” And two very different career trajectories.
• Lessee… says here The Prisoner of Azkaban was released. Which I guess made me The Jailer of Didntgiveafuckington.
• Keanu Reeves starred in My Big Fat Trans Allegory. I thought it was gorgeous, but it didn’t really make me go “woah.” It made an awesome DVD demo, though!
• My personal Best Picture was Magnolia, hands down. Nothing else was even in the ballpark.
• Meanwhile, I know many of my Tumblr followers have spent countless hours mastursobbing to Girl, Interrupted.
• “What would Brian Boitano do, if he were here right now? He’d make a plan and follow through, that’s what Brian Boitano’d do!”
• Craig Kilborn walked away from The Daily Show, and the total concentration of smug in American skies instantly decreased by 7.8%
• Family Guy showed up and made lots of noise. Took me years to get into it at all… my initial distaste tracked with Trey Parker’s.
• I forgot Hank Azaria married Helen Hunt. Given the brevity of their marriage, they probably wish they could join me in blissful forgetfulness.
• Cold Case Files was —in terms of sustained excellence— one of my all-time favorite shows. Listening to Bill Kurtis’ endearingly weird delivery of the words “the body” every episode was an experience to be savored.
• Of all the early Food Network personalities, Alton Brown is the only one I still care about.
• Jay Mohr is kind of an asshole today, but in ‘99 he was the lead in the best one-and-done sitcom of the year, Action. And wasn’t Go released in ‘99, too? Jay had a busy year.
• Freaks ‘n Geeks, Popular, and Roswell began their (respectively) shockingly brief, absurdly truncated, and bizarrely lengthy runs.
• NewsRadio, Homicide: Life on the Streets, and MST3K all ended their consistently delightful and impressive runs.

Your 1999:

• Goo goo.
• Giggled at a sparkly thing.
• Cried.
• Pissed self.
• Fell asleep attempting to roll over.

Which —let’s face it— is just your 2024, minus:

• Scrolled Instagram and furiously masturbated

RE: the intensity of his feelings

That’s a tricky one. On the one hand, it could be sincere… individual girls often awaken interests and urges within me, so it’s possible you’ve stirred things inside him that he doesn’t know how to process. He might not know how to be the sort of man that he will inevitably become for you.

On the other hand, it does feel a bit like a romanticized “it’s not you, it’s me” routine.

RE: love for me can only ever be broken

There’s a difference between what can be, and what you expect. If you don’t aspire to “sweet normal steady even love”, that’s okay. If something weirder and fucked-up feels right, that’s great. You need to find your joy in the life you’ve chosen, and if that means embracing happiness and belonging and arousal from being less, so be it.

But love is complicated and unpredictable, so don’t be too hasty to declare “only ever”. Life can surprise you.

RE: it was really out of nowhere

The first step in turning this tragedy in to a tutorial is interrogating that comment. It’s possible that it truly came “out of nowhere”, but that would mean your guy is a world-class manipulative bag of dicks who actively hid his intentions out of complete indifference to your humanity… or you missed some stuff.

RE: all I want is him

You want more than that.

You want to be accepted by someone who can accept himself.

Don’t settle for less.

Anonymous asked:

Do your girls qualify as your partners then?

 They’re my family and my property.

So in terms of “partners”, let’s just say they’re minority shareholders.