So, I’m currently in the process of cautiously reconnecting with an ex (if such a thing can ever actually be done cautiously.)
This is somebody who always had a gift for speaking directly to the broken bits of me, especially the parts I didn’t want to admit were cracked. Since the last time we split, I’ve been to a whole lot of therapy to determine that, yep, the fault lines in my psyche got there in pretty much the usual ways. I just wasn’t overly-curious about their origins before splitting up with him back then shook some things loose.
Given that it’s all pretty textbook, and I doubt he’d have such an elegant grasp on where the buttons are and exactly when to press them if he didn’t have a guess or two as to Why I’m Like This… At what point do my childhood traumas become need-to-know information?
I’m not really looking for a heart-to-heart about it, and experience tells me it doesn’t present a major obstacle to kink play or aftercare. But a part of me does wonder if I should give him a chance to opt-out of “roleplay” that skims a little too close to truth, (even though I doubt it’d stop him.) And then, another part of me almost feels like I’m withholding an interesting new sex toy from him by not filling in the blanks and letting him stick his fingers right in the wound, if he chooses.
(submitted by: butseriouslybeauty)
I’ve read this multiple times over the last few days, and I feel like there’s something I’m missing.
What exactly does “reconnecting” mean in this context? Why don’t you want to have a heart-to-heart about it? Combined with your “if such a thing” comment, you sound more than a bit hesitant here… not just about the vulnerability of disclosure, but your shared intimacy in general. It’s like you’re skeptical that this older relationship can bear the weight of a newer, more complex you, and you’re looking for reasons to be smaller and immediately comfortable.
If you’re just looking to have fun, it’s probably a good approach. He isn’t owed the information… just keep things simple and normal and enjoy your time together! If this might be going somewhere, though? Tell him. You need to be transparent, and he needs to know his instincts about you were on the money.
As for your specific question… at what point do childhood traumas become need-to-know information?
I’m not sure there’s a single point, but I’d say you’ve in the neighborhood when it’s relevant to your recurring emotional activities. If he’s going to be pulling the levers, it’s kinda rude not to tell him that you’ve got them all nicely labeled now and the lights work if someone knows to flip the switch.
Again, this doesn’t mean he’s owed the info… sometimes “rude” is the lesser evil. But being polite to the man pawing through your head in the dark might end up being what’s best for you.
