Category: Questions & Answers

“Asks” from my Tumblr followers

Anonymous asked:

What happened???? Do you know why you got deleted?

I don’t know for sure —Tumblr doesn’t give you details when they nuke you— but it looks like a confluence of multiple things:

  1. I posted a close-up of a bruise on Blossom’s butt. (GASP!)
  2. One of her fragile-flower followers told Tumblr I was “promoting violence”.
  3. The fragile-flower got lucky and her complaint ended up in front of someone who didn’t consider context or history and pulled the trigger.

I suspect I’ll get it back —it was good enough for Tumblr for a literal decade— but it might take a while.

I had an answer to this queued for today, but that’s gone now, so…

I don’t have a single favorite memory. But I have a bunch of things that stand out.

  1. Exploring the NOMA and discovering that Blossom is a dead-ringer for the cherubs and babies depicted in every Renaissance painting.
  2. Snuggling on the bed with all the girls, seeing Pinky dissolve into sobs as she pleaded with me to give her more smacks, and observing the indulgent, beatific smiles of the others as they watched me fulfill the request.
  3. Hooking the TENS up to Puddles and listening to her howl like a caged animal when I applied the full power of two AA batteries to her thighs. She acted like she was being stabbed by a thousand tiny needles. (Please note that the others all shrugged and said “Huh, that feels weird” when given similar treatment. So it’s just possible Puddles is a drama queen.)
  4. A local, to Button: “Look at you, dressed up like a babydoll!” Button, to me: “Well, I am a babydoll.”
  5. The alligator po-boy at Napoleon House was a delightful surprise. The Tobasco jelly really elevated it.
  6. Standing on the porch of the Airbnb and enjoying the rainstorm.
  7. Watching Button’s expression as I casually wiped powdered sugar from Blossom’s boobs in the middle of Cafe Du Monde.
  8. Passing a forkful of gator sausage down the table to Puddles, and seeing her exchange six years of meatless existence for six seconds of my grin.
  9. The way Pinky tried to steal kisses every time I tucked her into bed.
  10. Laughing as Blossom took a giant hit off my vape and made the neighborhood quake with a coughing fit that had her hovering between puking and passing out.
  11. Despite Gordon Ramsay’s decade-old warnings, Oceana’s food is actually good. The blackened redfish is great, while the bread pudding was merely okay… I’d call it above-average, overall.
  12. We learned that if a houseful of people all stand over a girl on the toilet, she might forget how to pee. Even if the girl is question is a well-known urine aficionado.

Did blossom really eat chicken?

Did blossom really eat chicken?

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Of course! Blossom eats chicken all the time… she had her first Chikfila last week, and laid waste to a plate of tendies at Chili’s a few days ago.

So I’m assuming you mean Puddles. And no, Puddles didn’t eat chicken.

She ate alligator.

Because it’s cute, watching a vegetarian play at being an apex predator.

you are a disgusting piece of shit. i hope you get horribly disfigured to…

you are a disgusting piece of shit. i hope you get horribly disfigured to the point no woman lets you anywhere near them again.

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Dear Genius:

First, bold of you to assume my -figure isn’t already dissed. It’s not as if I’m good looking or something.

Second, four women just traveled thousands of miles and spent thousands of dollars for the opportunity to be near me. Over nine days, I lost count of how many times they wandered over —where I was sprawled on the couch, watching Vanderpump Rules and nursing a Fanta— and literally begged me to get up and hit them.

(The aggressive tickling was my idea. The ass-beatings were theirs. We collaborated on the snuggling.)

Third, I assure you, I could turn into John Merrick and they’d still be there to bring me my cane.

And finally, I offer you this, from the goober who obviously inspired your eloquent denounciation:

Personally, I don’t wish disfigurement upon you. That would be cruel.

Your soul is already pretty fucked-up as it is, champ.

Hi sir. I hope you’re well. I need some advice if you have time…

Hi sir. I hope you’re well. I need some advice if you have time to listen. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years and we’ve lived together for 2. About a year ago I went through his photos (wrong of me I know) and saw that he was taking photos of me naked while I was sleeping and didn’t know. I brought it up to him and told him it made me feel uncomfortable but he’s more than welcome to take photos while I’m awake. I also send him naked photos all the time. He apologized and told me he wouldn’t do it again. Fast forward to now and I just went through his photos and saw that he’s been taking photos and videos of me while I’m sleeping again. Even worse, he’s been taking videos touching me while I’m asleep. This is particularly disturbing because I suffer from panic attacks and nightmares that usually cause me to wake up in a panic. He knows that a lot of my nightmares have to do with childhood trauma of being sexually abused and I’ve specifically asked him not to touch me while I’m sleeping because it often triggers nightmares/panic. What do I do? Do I bring it up to him? Because then I’ll be admitting I went through his photos again. But honestly I don’t feel very safe with him right now. I don’t even want to sleep by him anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

(submitted by: Anonymous)

Okay, first things first: going through his phone is indeed shitty of you. It demonstrates your lack of trust in him, and the absence of any faith in your relationship. At best, it’s a really bad habit that can turn toxic if you don’t break it at the first opportunity.

There. Have you been sufficiently reprimanded?

Good.

Now get the fuck away from him.

‘Cause one of the following is true:

  1. He doesn’t care about your bad dreams or the way his behavior makes you feel unsafe. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.
  2. He cares about your nightmares and vulnerability, and they excite him. It thrills him, knowing how this affects you. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.
  3. He doesn’t believe what you’ve told him about your history and issues, and thinks you’re being an overdramatic bitch about his fun. He just wants to get off, and he’s not going to stop.

If you look closely, you can probably spot the recurring theme there. You’ve caught him, explained your concerns, he apologized… and now, a year later, you’ve found that rather than stop, he’s actually escalated. He’s shown you what he values, and it ain’t you.

Remember, the world is full of girls who would love his kink… even the sneaky, creepy parts. It would thrill them to be molested and recorded in the night. Someone could give that to him at any time.

But he’d rather take it. And not from a normal girl, with a normal past and normal dreams. He’d rather take it from you.

Ask yourself why.

And then realize there’s no point in bringing it up to him. He knows he’s doing a shitty thing, and he knows how you feel. He has no explanation that will satisfy you. There are no assurances he can give you. The most he can do is bullshit you and play on your well-deserved but poorly-proportioned guilt until you shut up about it. For now.

In reality, short of setting up a Paranormal Activity camera at the foot of the bed and spending an hour a day fast forwarding through your sleep cycle in search of malfeasance, you will never trust him again. You’ll never relax around him. You’ll never have peace.

And c’mon kid… you deserve someone you can believe in.