Category: Questions & Answers

“Asks” from my Tumblr followers

Why are you unobtainable ?

Because I am a golden god, forge-birthed in the heart of a galaxy long dead, sent by All-Father Particle and Mother Wave to bless you with the cosmic experience of my incandescent glory… from a safe and reasonable distance. To touch me would be a death too exquisite for description, too lingering for comprehension, and too likely to drive up my insurance rates.

Also, I’m coming to accept that my depression is rather profound, and I need to be responsible about taking on, um… responsibilities.

By all means, flirt with me as is your wont, and grace me with your nudes as you will; it shall always be appreciated, and I provide praise where possible. (Harsh criticism available upon request, just like Dad used to make.) But about all I really have to *give* is what you’re reading right now.

With that said, I’m always in the market for muses, so if that’s your kink, we can talk. In my current state, I’m better off writing about you than trying to fuck you.

Do you think I’ll be broken forever…?

Wounds don’t heal if you don’t dress and protect them. The fucked up part of your life isn’t going to knit itself whole as long as you keep seeking out unpleasant men to toy with your deformities. A guy who gets hard while tattooing his initials on to your stunted self-esteem isn’t going to help you grow past your misfortunes and maladies.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? When you find a man who wants to see and play with the ugliness in your mirror, it feels better than getting better feels. It’s such a horribly seductive unreality, when he looks past the objective you to the worthless piece of shit you know you are, and decides he likes your peculiar stink. When you hear him say “You’re a stupid little cunt,” it must be like hearing your first honest words, and realizing your truth has always been a vulgar poem no one could bring themselves to recite.

So no, I don’t know if you’ll be broken forever. But if you are, I suspect we’ll both know why.

Dear Bedtime #1

Someone recently asked if I thought she should cheat on her age-appropriate boyfriend with her much-older college professor. I decided to answer her publicly for the edification of all.

Dear Aspiring Tramp:

I seldom give advice, and when I do, it should always be assumed to come with a disclaimer indicating that I’m not an authority on jack-shit. You silly things know I get off on playing with your emotions… what on earth makes you think my input is going to lead to anything more than a series of very arousing mistakes?

With that said, I hope you bang the professor. What’s the point of having a boyfriend, if not to make sex hotter with the guys you fuck behind his back? Chances are, your cunt is craving the guilt as much as the academic cock. And I suspect you already know that, since you’re asking the opinIon of someone who gets off on the guilty secrets of misbehaving girls.

Just imagine how amazing it will feel! Not simply the betrayal of a petty trust –he’s not your husband, after all– but all of it, all the possible repercussions. I mean, eventually, your whoreish proclivities will end the relationship… you’ll get caught, if only because you want to. What happens then? Your boy goes off jaded and embittered, a little wiser, a little more cruel. It’s like you’re giving a special sort of gift to the next girl who comes into his life; he’ll take the things you’ve taught him about wayward women and apply them to her: with any luck, he’ll make that little bitch suffer for your sins.

In fact, if you want things to be perfect as you degrade yourself with your ethically flexible authority figure, I have a suggestion. While that learned old man dick is sawing in and out of your thirsty, amoral holes, just picture your boy choking the shit out of his next sweetheart and calling her a faithless slut. It’s not like she won’t have it coming.

I mean, you already know he has wretched taste in women!