Stories & Captions | Bedtime Stories for Broken Girls

I am not sure she agreed to this… I think he may be just taking her ass.

Similar to software packages and online services, my house includes a user license and TOS. By entering, you’ve already agreed to be violated and abused, and you waive all rights to whine like a little bitch afterward.

If I knock you up or give you herpes, you must seek redress through arbitration, with an arbiter of my choosing, at a remote outpost in Antarctica. Damages are limited to whatever lint I happen to have in my pocket that day.

Bras are expensive. Remember that when you look her in the eyes and cut it off her.

objects-for-male-use:

Do you know the difference between a dog and a woman? Well neither do I.

Dogs are loyal companions, and smart enough to know their place without needing to beat them. Also, I don’t fuck dogs because I have too much respect for their agency as individual beings.

Women? Not so much.

Pretzels and crackers? Goddammit, who’s feeding this bitch people food again?

Self-Cleaning Toilets

hatefuckingforbeginners:

Break’s over, whore. My toilet’s not going to clean itself. Get back to work.

Of course she can clean herself; just give her a urinal puck and a scrub brush.

dumbandpretty:

I never forget my place, but if I did, this would be the perfect way to remind me of it.

Why is that guy from Duck Dynasty back there?

I like the new hosts and format of What Not To Wear.

Swim Team

The Russian swim team’s practice facility was a bit low-tech, but the coaches were master motivators.

Cowering

rapeandprettybows:

It’s not love if you’re not afraid of him

Cowering: such a lovely way to say he’s captured her heart.

Sad & Pathetic

If you find yourself making these facial expressions with any regularity, even if you’re just making them into a mirror on a lonely Saturday night, there’s a distinct possibility that you’re a low-life piece of fuck-trash.

Congrats. Not everyone can be as sad and pathetic as you… which is sort of an accomplishment, right?