[TRIGGER WARNING: Don’t look now, but methinks Satan is already behind thee.]
“Oh, stop those stupid tears, Jeanette! Don’t you realize how fuckin’ lucky you are?
“So I fucked you. So what? You should thank me! That’s right, thank me! Look in a goddamned mirror, little girl; it’s not like there’s a long line of men, gonna wait around for a chance to get their hands on a disgusting thing like you! Be real with yourself, you dumb little bitch: this right here, between us? This is as good as it’s ever gettin’ for you.
“I mean, fuck— who the hell d’you think you are? You and your mother owe me everything. Do you actually think that woman would keep you around if I weren’t here, giving her a roof over her head and a medicine cabinet full of pills? Shit no! She’d be living in a trailer with a meth cook, and you’d be sleeping on a cot in some homeless shelter, gettin’ fucked by someone else, someone who won’t take the time to make you like it.
“And I know you like it; twice tonight, by my count. If I stopped comin’ in here after she goes to sleep, I bet it wouldn’t be long before you’d be knockin’ on my door, tryin’ to worm your way in between me an’ her. Yeah… yeah, if I tried to stop now, you’d do what you always do and ruin everything for everyone. You’d spoil it for her, wouldn’t you, you selfish cunt?
“That’s why I’m in charge of this house and everything in it. In charge of you. An’ that’s why I’m comin’ back in here tomorrow night, an’ you’re gonna like it three times in a row.”
…
How was that? Did I sound like your stepdad?
I’ve been practicing, you know; I pay close attention when he starts telling bullshit, feel-good stories over holiday dinners. I sit there beside you at the dinner table, my hand secretly busy in your lap, while you instinctively mimic your mom’s plastic smile, and I listen to how he brags and holds court, the words he chooses… even the way he breathes. For three years now, I’ve watched it all so very closely.
After all, this is our first night in our new house together, and I wanted it to feel like home to you.
The tickets were easy. It wasn’t her first trip, so she moved through the process of booking a flight with little thought. There was a nervous flutter in her stomach while she packed, but she ignored it, and concentrated on finding her passport.
The plane was crowded, and the men sitting on either side of her helped themselves to all of the available space. She said nothing. The one on her left smelled of cheese and sweat; the one on her right smiled brightly when she made eye contact, but there was something in his eyes that made her worry what might happen if she fell asleep. She couldn’t allow… anything. Not when she was so close. Not when the wait was almost over.
So she sat rigid and awake for nine straight hours, staring intently at the back of the seat in front of her. No one tried to touch her, but she still received with relief the news that they were landing in the States.
There was a problem with her car rental, and as he typed and squinted and sighed his way through a resolution, the man at the counter joked that they didn’t usually rent to teenagers. She couldn’t tell if he was trying to flatter or unnerve her, but quickly remembered it didn’t matter. His motivations were irrelevant. He was irrelevant.
She shivered miserably as the GPS guided her to her destination; the car’s air conditioning was set to “high” and all the vents were pointed directly at her. He’d said he wanted her body chilled for their first meeting, so his hands would burn a little wherever he touched her. Secretly, she thought he might just want to know what it would feel like to hold a little dead girl.
He was a shape in the twilight, standing next to a car in a field when she parked nearby. Her hands felt welded to the steering wheel, and her legs refused to move. She was so close. The wait was almost over.
When he opened the door and took her hand, she began to cry.
And didn’t stop crying for quite some time.
Epilogue
“Why do we need this Skype nonsense? Why can’t we just talk on the phone, like normal people?”
“This is— I need you to be able to see me, dad. So you’ll believe me.”
“Okay, I see. Wonderful. What are you asking for this time? What did you do?”
“It isn’t that. It isn’t even like that.”
“It is always like that. Always.”
“I’m not asking for anything today. Today is a confession.”
“Save me your excu— what? What are you talking about?”
“I’ve been lying to you, but I can’t keep it up. I’ve given up.”
“Given— are you on drugs or something?”
“Or something, papa.”
“Okay, enough. What is this? What is going on with you?”
“Let’s start with the littlest lie, since it’s the most recent: I didn’t fly to the US for a conference. I’m not in Philadelphia.”
“Are you— where are you?”
“I’m not sure. America is so big, and I can’t remember all the states. I think we were in a Dakota at one point, but I passed out and woke up somewhere else.”
“You were— is there someone— are you alone?”
“No, papa. I’m not alone.”
“Who the hell are you with? What are you mixed up in?”
“You don’t understand; I’m not mixed up anymore. That’s why I want to talk to you.”
“You are. You’re on drugs. Your mother will die when she hears this, you know that don’t you?”
“I don’t think you should tell mum about this conversation. I don’t think you’ll want to.”
“Look, just— just shut up now. You’ve already caused enough trouble. We just need to sober you up, figure out where you are, and bring you home.”
“I’m where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know if it’s a home, exactly, but I belong here. I’m— I’m sorry, but I’m not going back.”
“Yes. Yes, you are. You’ll be back on the next plane. And then you will explain yourself to me. You’ll explain how all of my hope and hard work and sacrifice keeps ending up like— like this.”
“Your dreams weigh too much, papa; they broke me. I can’t bear then anymore, and I’m putting them down.”
“Wh— what are you trying to—?”
“But it’s like, carrying your burden all of these years— it changed me. He says it bent me— disfigured me. Which makes me sad, but I think he’s right. He always is, even when he’s wrong. That’s the— that’s the part that’s so— I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to describe—”
“What is wrong with your face? Why are you talking like this? Who the hell is ‘he’?!”
“He’s everything. Just everything.”
“You’re—”
“I know you tried, daddy. I really do. You wanted to raise me right, but I— I was never sure, when it was just something a priest was reciting. I believed, but I didn’t know, you know? But he— he’s showed me I have a soul, dad. A real soul. I can hear it sing when he’s sweet to me. I can feel it ache when he shows me how small and meaningless I am without him.”
“I— I need you to focus. Stop this— whatever this is. Damn it, where are you?!”
“I’ll never be able to make you understand. I know that. I’ll never be able to make you happy. I know that, too. But I didn’t want to start my new life without telling you how hard I tried. How much you meant to me.”
“Stop it! I’ve had enough!”
“Most of my life, you were— you were the only star in the sky. Everything in my world, even the things you didn’t know about— I did it all to please you. Or placate you. Or spite you. And it worked.
“I— I should have been a failure. I never cared enough about what I did. I never respected my opportunities. And yet I succeeded, for one reason. Fear.”
“Please…”
“Fear of your rage. Fear of your pain. Fear of your silence. Most of all, fear of your disappointment. Everything I am, everything I’ve done, I owe to— to the most terrifying parts of you.”
“Please, stop…”
“Soon enough. I’m going to miss you, dad.”
“What is— is something going to happen? To you?”
“It’s already happened. But it will definitely happen again. I hope it never stops happening.”
“Is someone— has he hurt you?”
“Of course. Of course he has. It’s how he teaches me and exploits me. It’s how he builds and destroys me.”
“What has he— are you—?”
“Ruined? Yes. I’m sorry. None of your friends’ sons would ever have me now. It’s far too late for that kind of happy ending.”
“What… have you done?”
“What I was always going to do. From the moment you first tried to be proud of me but couldn’t; from the moment I learned that I would never be enough. This is where I’ve been heading. I crave acceptance so much that I will abandon everything, cross half the planet, and turn my body over to a man who treats it like a toy.”
“Shut up. Shut your filthy mouth.”
“He hurts me so much, but just for fun; he doesn’t use it to get what he wants. Like you, he can break me without laying a finger on me. I’m— I’m a thing now. You probably can’t see it yet, but it’s true. He’s made me a thing. His thing. He explained it to me one night, what I really am, and it all made— it made so much sense.
“Can you— can you even imagine what that means? What it’s like to have someone just— just talk you out of being a person? It’s terrifying, when I think about it. The way his voice moves things around in my head, it’s like nothing I’ve ever thought or felt was real; nothing was fixed. But he’s fixed me now. I’m set in stone.”
“I can’t— why are you saying these things?”
“Because I love you. Because he’s changing me, and you won’t be able to recognize me soon. Because when he’s— when he’s done with me, on some far-off day… I’m sorry, I start to cry when I think about him being done. I didn’t want to cry in front of you this time. I know you hate it. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I—”
“When he’s— when he’s finished, when he’s finally wrung me out and he’s ready to set me aside… he promised. He promised what would happen. He promised I wouldn’t suffer alone.”
“What does that mean? Tell me right now what that means!”
“I can hear his car outside. It’s time, dad. I have to go.”
“Tell me what that means!”
“It means don’t look for me, because you won’t like what you find. I’ve got to go now.”
“You can’t— no! Don’t you— don’t you dare—!”
“I love you all. I truly do. Please forgive me. For never being quite right.”
Born Again — Mr. Bedtime
