“Don’t ask how it happened, just help me fix it!”
Category: Stories & Captions
A collection of stories, photo captions, and shoddy poetry
it’s so romantic
It’s so romantic when couples hold hands while out for a stroll.
Plumbing
Like a stupid cunt, a plunger is a single-purpose tool. Yesterday, he used it to stir a backed-up toilet that was full of shit… and now he’s doing it again today.
My Name Is Fuckpig
…of the Mayflower Fuckpigs…?
The Pack
[Attenborough voice]: The pack gathers around its kill and prepares for the night’s feast. They will have their fill, but the work begins anew tomorrow.
Into The Woods
Here’s how you properly take a whore into the woods:
- Go at night, dusk at the earliest. Also, stick to springtime; you want lots of forest noises.
- Strip your bitch down, tie her to the tree, and blindfold her.
- Tell her you’re going back to the car for something, or you’re just bored with her and want a nap.
- Circle back and flank her from a distance, gathering a couple handfuls of large rocks.
- Begin throwing the rocks into the woods opposite of your last known location. If you’re ambitious, try distributing the rocks so that something seems to be moving closer to her.
- Slowly approach her, taking care to ensure that you’re making more noise with the rocks than your feet.
- Once you’re in range, grab a fistful of her hair and growl at her.
The scream will be epic. Trust me.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me: You were a mistake and no one will ever love you.
No one wants to be the only girl in the dungeon with a comb-over.
Ye Olde Caption Archive
Being a collection of recently-recovered content that Tumblr doesn’t like:
- Isn’t it amazing to know…
- …my house has a TOS…
- Wouldn’t it be something…?
- This doesn’t happen to girls who matter.
- Most bitches squirm or thrash…
- I need you to shut the fuck up!
- Why do you feel it necessary…?
- Some girls are mistakes…
- That’s just rude, young lady…!
- Men know things.
- I don’t want you to feel loved…
- You deserve all the pain your ass can absorb…
- Unwelcome
- Her measurements
- I keep asking myself if I should stop…
New (Old) Additions
At some point, it stops being about bad choices.
See, if you make enough wrong turns, eventually, you won’t have the situational awareness to make an informed decision about the way home… you won’t know where you are or where you’re going. It won’t matter how much you try; doing the right thing for yourself will become a matter of blind luck. Virtually everything you do will just get you more lost.
That’s when you’ll turn to a certain sort of man, one who recognizes how lost you are. He won’t take you home, but he’ll definitely keep you occupied. And it will feel like such a relief, just knowing you have someone else to blame when everything in the world makes you want to cry.
Live that fucking dream, sweetie.