Invasion (2005)

My life was pretty hectic in the mid-2000s, and my television-watching time was mostly swallowed up by Rome, Deadwood, and The Wire. So I should be pleased that it only took me ten years to finish watching Invasion; for comparison’s sake, it will probably be ten more before I bother to find out what happened after season two of Lost.

Thoughts follow:

  • It was a weird year in the water; for some reason, the three big networks all picked the fall of 2005 to be the perfect time to launch suspiciously similar sci-fi dramas about monsters in our H2O. That meant Invasion already had to fight with Surface and Threshold to gain an audience; it was better than the other two, but it needed to be perfect to survive, and it simply wasn’t.
  • What really doomed Invasion in particular was that creator Shaun Cassidy built the show around a town getting walloped by a series of hurricanes and tropical storms, and then tried to launch it less than a month after Katrina. It’s possible the timing could have been worse, but not without considerable effort.
  • But divorced from it’s context, what can I say about it? As with Cassidy’s previous work –meaning American Gothic, not The Hardy Boys— it has moments that range from legitimately creepy to fairly badass, powered by a murky but still propulsive plot. Lots of things happen throughout Invasion, and those happenings are usually interesting or unsettling; unfortunately, the characters are almost entirely Stock Types who are far less curious about their plight than those of us in the audience. To their collective credit, the actors bring many of those cardboard personalities to life, but the script gives them little help.
  • I can’t say that Eddie Cibrian is actually good as the nominal protagonist, but he huffs and glowers and takes his shirt off a lot, so at least he’s working hard. And he’s not as annoying as…
  • …Tyler Labine, who is saddled with 90% of the series’ most ridiculous dialogue, and the thankless task of embodying the era’s lamest brand of goofy hipster, The Pre-Twitter Blogger. It was obvious that Labine would end up being funny someday, in something else, but here, he’s just a hyperactive weirdo with bad hair.
  • That the show works as well as it does is owed almost entirely to William Finchtner as the town’s conspicuously shady sheriff. Finchtner has has spent a lot of his career as a humorless version of Christopher Walken, but Invasion plays to his strengths; he starts with a baseline of dead-eyed, reptilian malevolence, and then slowly layers in the bits and pieces of humanity that make him more than a rote Bad Guy.
  • Spend twenty-two hours watching this thing, and you’ll see that Evan Peters was already well on his way to perfecting the Sensitive, Alienated, Sporadically Violent Cherub character that kept him at the center of four seasons of American Horror Story. Perhaps one day, he’ll choose to perfect something else. Like, anything else. Seriously, Evan… time to move on.
  • She’s only in four or five episodes, but Elisabeth Moss steals every scene as an embittered, trailer-trash sociopath whose maternal instinct makes Mad Men’s Peggy Olson look like Angelina Jolie. Her ruthless, atavistic feminism is striking to behold, particularly since biology keeps kicking the shit out of her, no matter how hard she fights against it.
  • Watching the behind-the-scenes cast interviews, I’m struck by the fact that none of the adults working on this multi-million dollar production have even a foggy clue of what “evolution” means, or how it works. I guess that shouldn’t disqualify them from working in science fiction… but then again, maybe it should.
  • That finale. I mean, you see the kick to the nuts coming a mile away, but still… nuts, being kicked.

She has dreams, though she’d never tell you. Walking the beach, her hand held by a faceless man whose touches only comfort, and whose words only support. Wearing a perfect gown and tiara, while every gentleman in the room proceeds, in his turn, to spin her through the motions of a dance so graceful it makes her heart ache. Standing unfettered in the cold spring rain, arms outstretched, as if embracing the cleansing downpour and the shining sun that must surely follow it.

But every morning, a man with a very specific face awakens from his own dark slumber and batters those dreams out of her head with his hard cock.

A Commercial Entity

Hey there, baby! Daddy’s home from the bar, and, y’know what… he’s had an idea

I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve had enough. Enough of you and the cyclone of bullshit that follows you around, dirtying or destroying everything you touch. Since moving in, you’ve been a constant burden to me, making life difficult and endlessly irritating; your personality has become a tax on pussy that I’m no longer willing to pay. I suspect I may have even come to despise you. But I believe I’ve finally figured out how to offset my losses.

I’ve decided to sell your ass to strangers.

Part of it is obviously the money; I plan to furnish my world with the proceeds of your degradation. But it’s more than that; there are so many opportunities for you to entertain me and enrich my life while earning a living on your back. You’ll be infinitely more valuable as a commodity than you ever were as a person.

Oh, don’t look so hurt! Surely you’ve always known this could never have been about love! There are things inside you worth using, but nothing anyone could ever cherish; with your novelty gone, I’m not sure what you thought I was getting out of this… or out of you. Did you think I was running some kind of charity for wayward girls, scraping up garbage from the street and recycling it for the good of cuntkind? Wouldn’t that be delightful? Me, a philanthrapist.

You’re a hoot! Have I ever told you that? And this is just the beginning of the endless fuck carnival I’ve decided to make of your life! It’s going to get so much worse, and so much better.

I can’t wait to hear the sound of your father’s voice on the phone when he finds out, and see the look on your face the first time he calls you a cunt. I want the chance to welcome you back from a bad night at work –spent beneath a nervous, rat-like man who smelled faintly of old cheese and older desperation– by petting your hair and telling you sweet, slightly sinister lies that sound like fairy tales but haunt you like ghosts. I can’t stop imagining standing next to you at the pharmacist’s counter and smiling brightly as he looks you up and down –from your disheveled sex-hair, over your ruined makeup, past your torn skirt, to the flaking cum on your thigh– and coldly hands you a bag full of Valtrex and Plan B. When I close my eyes, I can see myself sitting down to count my cash at the desk as you sit and count your bruises in the tub, both of us knowing there can never be enough.

Heh. Look at how hard I am, just thinking about everything you’ll lose, and everything I’ll gain. Isn’t it wonderful?

Yeah, I know this all seems rather abrupt and shocking. Up until five minutes ago, you still believed you mattered. But you really haven’t, not for a long time. I’ve kept it from you, well, let’s be honest… because silently laughing in your sweet, hopeful, upturned face seemed easier than throwing your shit in the street and changing the locks.

But this new plan, it puts all of that behind us. We can be together again, like before, only this time I won’t lie and tell you I care. This time we can be what we always have been, that most perfect of pairs.

A monster and a whore.

copyright © 2014 bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls

Deadwood Movie in Early Talks at HBO

Deadwood Movie in Early Talks at HBO | I Watch Stuff

I routinely hear from girls who wish they lived near me, but none of them ever do. Today, I randomly stumbled across someone from the kinky side of Tumblr who actually *does* live practically on my doorstep… and I will never, ever tell her.

I doubt it would be particularly reassuring, knowing Bedtime Stories For Broken Girls could be standing behind you in line at Target.

I think it’s cute that so many of you are surprised and/or disappointed when I’m polite, pay you a compliment, or otherwise treat you like you’re a human being. It’s as if you’re nervously expecting to be attacked by a rampaging sex-ogre, but instead end up getting a pat on the head from Shrek. Your perplexity is adorable.

Silly, silly geese… you should know by now that I’m the sort of monster who doesn’t cross your threshold without an invitation.