Me: Stupid sandman, shooting his stuff all over girls’ eyes in their sleep!
Her: …don’t sexualize the sandman! That’s like sexualizing the toothfairy or leprechauns or the Easter bunny!!
Me: Now I’m thinking about a gang-bang where a leprechaun tries to jam a pot of gold up your hoo-hah as the Easter bunny rabbit-fucks your face, knocking out a tooth that the tooth fairy pops in his mouth so he can lick it while he masturbates.… Read the rest “”
… Read the rest “”Life Lessons
I have learned that the single most dominant thing an old man can do to a young woman is force her to use email on a regular basis.
It’s like herding cats on to a frozen pond; if you can pull it off at all, you’re going to be treated to an incredible display of excitement and awkwardness.
When considered alongside you tiny titans of the touchscreen, I’m an amateur with emojis. I have only recently figured out what the fuck 🙌 is supposed to be, for example, and I’m so mystified by the intricately shaded messages implied by all of the heart-based emojis that when I receive one, I just file it under “someone wants to lick my brain, dick, or ass” and leave the particulars as a mystery to unfold.… Read the rest “”
Of course you deserve it, dear. I believe you.
But why on earth would I want you to no longer feel pain? Hell, why would I want you to be devoid of any feeling of any kind? (Including emptiness, on occasion.)… Read the rest “Break me until I no longer feel any pain from anything. I deserve it all.”
On a scale of 1-10, is it wrong up that I have severely romanticized the relationship between Al and Trixie and now want a relationship like that?
Okay I say this but then I remember the sad girl he replaces her with and I mean, she’s just fucking golden
Let me help you decide which you are.… Read the rest “”
I love a good gynecological exam. It’s like Disneyland for me. Girls getting splayed, poked, prodded, and inspected like cattle. A room full of equipment specifically designed to open them up and make them vulnerable. Holding their hands while the doctor lies and tells them “you’ll just feel a little pinch.”… Read the rest “”
… Read the rest “My Fetishes?”I’ve always been attracted to the sound women make when they’re feeling particularly small and ineffectual, but I didn’t have a name for it. MTV came to my rescue ten years ago, during a scene on Laguna Beach where two of the hotter, meaner girls were shopping, and one of them was making a kind of whimpering, whiny, squeak as she struggled to grasp an item on a high shelf.
I get asked about this a lot, and now that I’ve spent a while reacquainting myself with the things I (don’t) like, I can provide a reasonably accurate list of dos and don’ts for those of you stupid enough to try falling into my orbit.… Read the rest “How To Get Attention 1.1”
Julian Sands and Sherilyn Fenn in Boxing Helena, 1993
Dear god, she looked good in that. Goddamn.
Speaking of Boxing Helena, and thus Jennifer Lynch, this is where I offer my occasional recommendation that you hunt down a copy of her book, The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer.… Read the rest “”
