Dear Bedtime #1

Someone recently asked if I thought she should cheat on her age-appropriate boyfriend with her much-older college professor. I decided to answer her publicly for the edification of all.

Dear Aspiring Tramp:

I seldom give advice, and when I do, it should always be assumed to come with a disclaimer indicating that I’m not an authority on jack-shit.… Read the rest “”

I watched Into The Woods this weekend, which generated these thoughts:

Johnny Depp leverages his career investments better than any actor on the planet. Aside from the goings-on at The Viper Room, he spent most of the ’90s as a pretty, vulnerable, quasi-sexual weirdo, building up a massive stockpile of quirky good will, which he now uses to infuse his array of murderous barbers, hateful chocolatiers, drunken pirates, bizarre racial stereotypes, and child predators with what would normally be an incongrous hint of harmless whimsy.

… Read the rest

Dear Bedtime

[CONTENT ADVISORY: Don’t ask, just move along.]

In privately relating her deepest sexual desire, a woman recently apologized for boring me with something “too tame”, and I thought it would be nice to publicly (albeit anonymously) reassure her that I found it far from tame.… Read the rest “”

https://youtu.be/yukkraT_9Fg

Personally speaking, I can’t wait to watch life tear you apart.

I’ve never found Nicole Kidman particularly attractive. Part of that is no doubt due to my instinctive aversion to any vagina that has been sullied by that psychotically-grinning, couch-bouncing, Thetan-nuzzling nutjob to whom she was once wed.… Read the rest “”

Moving In

[TRIGGER WARNING: Don’t look now, but methinks Satan is already behind thee.]

“Oh, stop those stupid tears, Jeanette! Don’t you realize how fuckin’ lucky you are?

“So I fucked you. So what? You should thank me! That’s right, thank me!… Read the rest “Moving In”

“Victim of Love” – The Eagles

What kind of love have you got
You should be home, but you’re not
A room full of noise, and dangerous boys
still makes you thirsty and hot

Long before any of us wandered on to Tumblr, The Eagles were out there in the trenches, bringing Southern California-style misogyny to the masses.… Read the rest ““Victim of Love” – The Eagles”

“Secret Silken World” – David Baerwald

I took a ride with a sadist on a Saturday night
His teeth were like diamonds in the dashboard light
He knew a place nearby, we took a right at the light
and I smiled ‘cause I’d never, ever been there

David Baerwald’s A Secret Silken World is about the uncomfortable allure of a creepy old pervert who feasts on gormless youth, so yeah, I’m more or less contractually obligated to include it here.… Read the rest ““Secret Silken World” – David Baerwald”

The Great Work

Women’s bodies have for millennia served as the medium for some of man’s greatest works. We have painstakingly molded dynasties within them, and written the fall of civilizations into their genes. They bear the scars of their mothers’ wounds like etched echoes, telling tales of woe older than words.… Read the rest “The Great Work”

“Mother Mother” – Tracy Bonham

I know the blog’s soundtrack is starting to look like a Lilith Fair lineup, but the ‘90s were a very good time for those who enjoyed listening to women howl out their pain.

Intriguingly, at the end of the decade, most of those shattering, disturbing women’s voices were brushed aside by a sixteen year old in braids who was begging to be hit one more time.… Read the rest ““Mother Mother” – Tracy Bonham”

How do I get a guy to stop being nice to me?

Depends on why he’s being nice, I suppose.

For example, perhaps he doesn’t care about you. Screaming “WHORE!” into a woman’s spittle-flecked, wide-eyed face while filling her ass with cum and strangling her with a shoelace is hard work, and it’s possible you just aren’t worth the effort.… Read the rest “How do I get a guy to stop being nice to me?”