Once upon a time, while watching a nature documentary, I was struck by the sight of a wolf pack hunting caribou. Running at full speed, the pack seamlessly split in two, flanking the herd and ensuring the evening’s feast. The way they coordinated their work demonstrated to me the primitive, nasty intelligence built into the prey drive… at will and without a word, these wild animals organized into a highly efficient, motivated, and ruthless team.… Read the rest “Pussy Grabbing Old Man Shit: Trump”
Tag: cranky old man shit
Cranky Old Man Shit: Comparisons
From my asks: “Who’s prettier? ______, ______, or ______?”
Fuck off with that.
I enjoy picking on celebrities from afar, so I’ll play along with asks about who’s hot and who’s not; for your entertainment, I’m willing to channel my more articulate version of Drunken Stepfather and talk all kinds of trash about wealthy and powerful people.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: Comparisons”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Photography
I’m going to get patronizing and paternalistic for a minute… yes, I mean more so than usual. Because I wish some of you crazy bitches could unilaterally reassess your relationship with photography.
Still photography is one of the most unnatural, inhuman inventions in civilization’s robust portfolio.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: Photography”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Spare Us
DUDES: I write a blog full of provocative commentary, sociosexual sophistry, and black humor. I am aware of all the blurred lines (yeah, Tumblr, I said that) around reblogging and captioning, and how easy it is to screw up.
But you’ve got to at least try not to be a complete dick about it.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: Spare Us”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Youth
Things Tumblr Has Taught Me
- Kids today are not nearly as stupid as my peers and parents believe them to be.
- Kids today are not nearly as smart as they’d like to believe, but they’ll get better.
- I have a whole new respect for what women deal with in an environment filled with ambient, aggressive sexuality.
Cranky Old Man Shit: Catcall
Cranky Old Man Shit #7
I make a habit of referring to my favorite women as “cunts”, and even I’m sufficiently evolved to think catcalling is pathetic. I can come up with semi-reasonable apologias for any number of sexist behaviors, but I’ve got nothing for “shouting obnoxious shit at strangers who are minding their own business.”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Slurred
It’s been correctly observed that I lean heavily on cheap slurs like “cunt”, “whore”, and “slut” in my writing, and I’ll grant you, I’m probably a touch lazy about it on occasion. But in my defense, please bear in mind that I’m trying to manipulate otherwise-reasonable women into masturbating to perverted prose poetry; I need all the help I can get.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: Slurred”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Underpants Piracy
When I spot random dudes rewriting my captions, working with a weird dilligence to rephrase each sentence into something technically different but essentially the same, I feel as if I’m being forced to give a quasi-literate douche-nozzle a piggy-back ride into some poor girl’s pants.
Cranky Old Man Shit: True
No matter your gender or proclivities, if at any time you feel the urge to sincerely use the word true immediately followed by any variation on the terms dom or sub, just stop. Just… don’t.
Instead, pause to consider that you wouldn’t know truth if it tied you up and fucked you with its big, cosmic dick.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: True”
Cranky Old Man Shit: Spellmaster
Dominate is a verb. It is a thing you do. Preferably with gusto. And choking sounds.
Dominant is an adjective that describes something about you or another person-ish noun. If you want to use it as a kinky term-of-art, then it can also function as a noun itself.… Read the rest “Cranky Old Man Shit: Spellmaster”