I’ve never been a dad, but I definitely have children.
One of them just texted to ask how to turn on the shower in her hotel room.
I am 1,099 miles away from said hotel.
Like I said… children.
Tag: glowbug
You can lust from across a room, you can love across oceans, but you can’t properly adore someone if you’re not at his feet.
her: FYI, my mouth is also small.
me: Everything about you is small. (But of varying density.)
You’re So Sweet
When I look at those wide eyes and that adorable smile, I want to smother you in a pile of soft pillows and marshmallow fluff. I want to strangle you with a garrote made from your own lovely locks. I want you to fall for me… out of my lap and on to the floor, to be stepped on and booted around like a discarded candy wrapper.
Things I’ve Had To Explain Lately
- Who or what a “Fonzie” is.
- That Javier Bardem and Joaquin Phoenix are, in fact, two different people.
Scenes From The Stupid Corner
Me: “It was literally two people your parents’ age, discussing you like a foundling.”
Her: “I wanna be your foundling.”
Her: “Wait, what’s a foundling?”
This about sums things up.
Look, all I want is to invade every nook and cranny of your life, take away your privacy, deny you any sense of personal space, and basically treat you like some kind of idiot woman-child who can’t be allowed to work or play without guidance.… Read the rest “”
Me: I tell girls the right way to do things only after I’ve allowed them do it wrong by themselves at least once.
Her: That’s— why am I suddenly embarrassed?
Me: Well, someone is applying basic parenting strategies to your sexuality, so that could be it.
Tough Compliments For Soft Girls
“You’re like a nuclear waste disposal site for my semen. You’re where I go to bury my sins.”
The wait isn’t always worth it.
Poor bitch was waiting four fucking years to talk to me, with countless hours of squirming thinking about how it might go. All that desperate longing-at-a-distance, dreaming of what I might be like. Setting herself up for some kind of transcendental experience when she finally had me in her ear.… Read the rest “The wait isn’t always worth it.”