A Guide To Cranky Old Men

A lot of you want my attention. Very few of you have a clue how to get it, much less keep it. So here is a new installment of quick pro-tips that may (or may not) help you navigate into my orbit.

1. Don’t be scared. You already know I’m going to hurt you, and if things go well, it’ll happen quite often. The more we trust one another, the worse it’s going to get. You even know how I’m going to hurt you: I’m going to take advantage of your weakness. And who knows your weakness better than you? Exactly. If you look deep inside, you can already see the worst things to come… so why be frightened?
2. Understand that I don’t need you. I may like you. I may grow to adore you. I could even –in my misguided way— depend upon you. But you will always be the most disposable thing in my world. Act accordingly.
3. Use your fucking blog to say something. Even if that “something” is just “Hey everyone, look at my ass!” I don’t want to wade through a wall of reblogs of random shit that someone else created… I want to see you, ya dumb bitch. And you want to be seen, right?
4. Remember that you ultimately don’t matter. You’re only of interest to me if you can inspire me. That’s your job. That’s your purpose. If you can’t do it, then you’re fundamentally worthless. Perhaps I’ll end up attached to you and want you around for additional reasons, but the baseline understanding is this: be good for me, or begone.
5. Your boobs are not that great. Well, okay, some of them are actually outstanding. But at this point, tit pics are to me as dick pics are to you. Show me the parts of you that you didn’t flash to every frat boy and horny dad on Chatroulette back in 2009. I’d rather see your outfit of the day than one more smartphone nipple snap.
6. Keep your chin up. If I don’t care for your body, or your face, or your voice, or your thoughts, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly. It just means you’re ugly to me. Change my mind. Change yourself. Be better.