…or if he’s genuinely trying to implement damage to your mind, control you for the wrong reasons and he’s an abusive person?
There’s no single, simple answer to that, particularly because some guys are really good at being shitty. But I can give you a group of questions to ask yourself, and who knows, you might find clarity in the aggregate.
- Is he the captain of your team, or are you his opponent? Or perhaps worse, are you just the ball he’s moving down the field toward an ill-defined goal?
- Does he repurpose broken things, or dispose of them?
- What are his incentives? Does he get more of what he wants from you when you’re relatively intact, or when you’re wrecked?
- Is he frequently angry?
- Does he acknowledge his faults? Even if your dynamic assumes that you’re always wrong, that doesn’t mean he can assume he’s always right.
- Does he want to know who you are so he can hurt you in ever-more-intimate ways, or is he blithely pushing common buttons like he’s withdrawing cash from an ATM?
- Does he demonstrate any concern for what might become of you without him?
- When he talks about his exes, are they people with identities and needs and outcomes that ultimately presented overwhelming challenges, or are they Crazy Bitches He Just Couldn’t Help?
- Are you human to him?